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Wednesday, August 6, 2014

God Admits that Jesus was a Jerk

LORD God of the Universe, Yawheh, the Tamer of Leviathan, and Smiter of the First Born Baby Boys of Egypt, has announced in a press release that his son, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, is not the guy you want to build your moral foundation on.

"Jesus said a lot of nice things in his day: Love your neighbor as yourself; Give to the poor; Turn the other cheek; and now that I'm clean and sober I can get behind a vast majority of those things. However, let's be honest, the guy was a jerk -- a big sandal wearing Charles Manson-style hippie jerk."

Monday, July 28, 2014

Top Ten Signs You've Lost Your Religion

10. You don't have to explain to others that your relationship to God is "complicated."

There are knee-jerk theists (My god wrong or right!) and thinking theists (I need to read up on Thomas Aquinas to figure out if God can make a rock that He can't lift). If you were a thinking theist and now an atheist there is a very good chance that for a portion of your life you described your personal relationship with God as complicated. 

  • Most of those Old Testament stories never really happened. It's complicated.
  • The moral utility in the genocide depicted in the Great Flood? It's complicated.
  • God exists, but not in the same way that real stuff exists. It's complicated.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Mayor of Dearborn Michigan tells citizens to 'turn to Allah' at Islamic event

Mayor Kannard asks citizens of
 Dearborn, Michigan
to pray five times a day for 

Allah's protection.

The mayor of Dearborn, Michigan, Mohammed Al Kannard, has signed an official proclamation exhorting citizens to turn to Allah for guidance on a daily basis.

The mayor has issued this statement in the midst of Ramadan so that the city's 40,000 or so Arab Americans feel that their religious freedom is protected by city government.
NOW, THEREFORE, I,Mohammed Al Kannard as Mayor of the City of Dearborn, Michigan, do hereby invite all Dearbornians to join in the thoughtful prayer and humble repentance according to Surah 72 of the Holy Qur'an  in order to protect this City from evil djinn.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Why I'm embarrassed of Jesus.

Jesus against the Pharisees. 

Jesus, stop acting like you're the freakin' Riddler!

Jesus loves his parables. Ask the man how to avoid hell and he'll start talking about throwing mustard seeds onto the Prodigal Son. If mathematics worked like that then no high school math teacher would explain the quadratic formula like this:

With Jesus' method students would hear a story about wise and foolish virgins carrying lambs. If the pupils got the message they pass the class. If not, eternal hellfire.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

A Godless Jabberwocky

Yah-Wah hats engaged!

Twas cynnic, and the Foxy liarlers
Did pomp and primpble on the waves;
All whimsy were the mobblers,
That the righteous wraths enslave.

"Beware the Crosserbocks, my son!
The lips that lie, the faith that catch!
Beware the Yah-Wah hats, and shun
The saintious Dogmasnatch!"

He took his skeptic app in hand:
Long time the theocrat foe he sought --
So he rested in the Tumtum pub,
And sat awhile in thought.

And as in freelish thought he sat,
The Crosserbocks, with eyes of flame,
Came yellfling through the tulgey screen,
And prayered as it came.

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The skeptic app did provade!
But the mobblers did ask the son
"Why faith didst you evade?"

"Hast thou banished the Crosserbocks
End their reign, my beamish boy?"
"No, reason did not hold the day
pints chased my blues away."

Twas cynnic, and the Foxy liarlers
Did pomp and primpble on the waves;
All whimsy were the mobblers,
That the righteous wraths enslave.

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Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Supreme Court Decides that the US Constitution doesn't apply to God

Washington, DC In a 5-4 split decision the Supreme Court of the United States of America has ruled that the Constitution has no jurisdiction over the Christian God. Invoking the Supremacy Clause of the Constitution this decision also strikes down any state or local regulation that would bind the Almighty from His mysterious ways.

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