Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Grandmothers Everywhere Prepare To Guilt Their Grandchildren To Jesus This Holiday Season

Billy and Grandma are on their way to see Jesus!

Everytown, America - Grandmothers across the nation are preparing for holiday visits from family
members by wrapping presents AND preparing to lead their children's children to Christ. As the agnostic/atheist and simply religiously apathetic number of mothers and fathers grow, the burden of spiritual guilting the younger generation has fallen onto Nana.

"Spiritual Guilting has traditionally been executed by the mother," stated religious studies expert, Dr Ryan Kannard. "How this manifests itself is partially based on the faith background of the mom. With Christianity, for example, Jesus' suffering on the cross can be invoked to guilt the child into going to church as well as finishing his or her fish sticks at supper."  

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Thousands Rally Against Evolution in Houston

Charles Darwin better
 not show his head 'round here!
- anonymous protester 
Sunday morning thousands of Christians who regard the Bible as the inerrant word of God met and stood together against the theory of evolution. The event called We Stand Sunday was organized by a confederation of evangelicals called DAWKINS (Darwin Argued Wrongly and Kids Intelligently Need Saving). The pro-biblical crowd met in the parking lot of the Hobby Lobby on 5th and Main. It was their stated intent to protect their "religious freedom" from the workings of big city government.

Monday, October 27, 2014

City Mandates Children Wear Police-Style Body Cams Around Priests

Local officials tell Catholics, "It's for the kids."

Cambridge, MA Alfred Cunnard, City Manager, has signed a bill mandating that any child under the age of 14 who is within eye shot of a Catholic Priest must wear a body cam similar to the ones that many police departments have recently adopted.

The new law is filed under the Title 9 Public Peace, Morals, and Welfare city ordinances.

The official body cam for
Cambridge, MA youths.
(b) Whenever a child [as defined as anyone under 14 years of age] is within the viewing distance of a person who is recognized as an official of the Roman Catholic Church, he or she shall be equipped with two (2) body cameras.
The first of the two cameras will be worn on the ventral (front) side and the second will be secured on the dorsal (back) side of the child.
What is considered within viewing distance is not determined by the Church official, rather, it is determined by the range of vision enjoyed by a person with 20/20 sight.
Whoever, having care and custody of a child, wantonly or recklessly permits unrecorded access of that child to a Church official shall be punished by imprisonment for not more than two and one-half years in the house of correction.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

President Obama Chooses Snake Handler as Faith-Based Ebola Czar

Obama calls upon a higher power.

Washington DC President Obama announced today that he is appointing Reverend Allister Grebe as the official Ebola Faith-Based Czar. Rev. Grebe heads  Calaveras County's Ark of the Covenant Baptist Church in Kentucky, and is a proud member of a family whose men have taken up metaphorical crosses and very real rattlesnakes in the service of Jesus.

Up until now the White House had stated that American churches, mosques, and temples had been doing a commendable job calling upon divine assistance in the fight against the Ebola virus. However, as Republicans blame the President of inadequate leadership, pressure has been growing for Obama to act regardless of how effective that action may be.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Alabama State Representative Candidate States Atheists are Worse than Satanists

Russellville, Alabama Warren "Boilerplate" Hershel III, Republican candidate for State Representative in the 2nd District, did not set off a political firestorm when he stated that "atheists are worse than Satanists." Mr Hershel made the remark while hosting the weekly meat raffle at Christ's Baptist Church. The crowd, made up of elderly members of the congregation, simply looked at each other and nodded in silent approval.

"At least you know where you stand with the Satanists," yelled out Mathew King, long time resident. "Atheists? Don't they worship Hitler?"

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