Thursday, March 26, 2015

Indiana to Become an Honorary Confederate State

for God and Country.

Richmond, Virginia - The Shadow Government of the Confederate States of America (SGCSA) has officially bestowed upon Indiana the honorary status of Confederate State. In the future the SGSCA will make all references to its member states as 11 + 1. The 11 represents the original states of the ill fated Confederacy, while the 1 will indicate Indiana's status as a brother state in spirit. Indiana's inclusion into the august club is due to Governor Mike Pence signing The Religious Freedom Restoration Act which will allow businesses and individuals to follow their religious beliefs and discriminate against gays and lesbians.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Cecil Bell: Today's Candidate for the Wrongest Man in the World.

Oh, sometimes I see something that bothers me so much I have to share it. Earlier today I came across clips from the Texas Anti-Gay Marriage Rally on the blog Joe. My. God. And all of the clips are tutorials on what's wrong with America (the South, religion, and under educated white people with too much time on their hands).

However, this short clip from State Representative Cecil Bell sums up the summation of insanity.

Watch it with care, my friends. You have have been warned.

Just another day in Purgatory.

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Friday, March 20, 2015

ISIL Declares Jihad Against Little Caesars

The Islamic State of Iraq and Levant (ISIL) has officially declared jihad against the American based pizza chain Little Caesars. The casus belli  for holy war against the 'hotbed of the bacon-American-industrial complex' is the restaurant's unveiling of the Bacon Wrapped Crust Deep! Deep! Dish Pizza.

Observers of the Middle East are not surprised by ISIL's decision to attack Little Caesars. The restaurants are considered to be soft targets where security is often nonexistent. Any successful attack will produce a large response by the media. There is a very real possibility that there will be a military response by the United States of America that will bog down western resources and manpower for at least a decade - if past history is in any way predictive of future events.

And then there is the audacity of bacon.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Texas Church Creates "Good Samaritan Day" to Fight Illegal Aliens

Reverend Longstreet
San Angelo, Texas Keystone Baptist Church has proclaimed June 27th a time to fight illegal immigration, and has branded the 24 hour event as Good Samaritan Day. The idea was the brainchild of Keystone's own Reverend Richard Longstreet. The concept of a celebration centering around the principle of Christian neighborliness immediately caught fire in the congregation of 45, and then spread into the halls of power in the sleepy little hamlet. The town council and mayor are supporting the event with tax funded faith-based events guaranteed to entertain and excite all real Americans.

"I was reading through Luke 10:25-37, and wanted to share the good news that we have got to be good to our neighbors," Reverend Longstreet explained. "It's easy to get off focus from what's really important: People who live close by and look very similar to you and me."

Several events are already in the works. They include:
  • Assault Rifle Pinata Shoot - Supporters of the Second Amendment will take out their freedom firearms, and shoot the heck out of effigies of illegal immigrants. 
  • Anglo-Saxon Chili Cook Off - Local moms and dads will share their love of America and mild to moderately mild chili in this cut throat competition. 
  • Mexican Dunking Booth - A member of the San Angelo's Community Theater Group has volunteered to don brown-face and sit in the dunking booth as a fund raiser in order to improve border security.
The Mexican embassy has officially lodged a complaint with the US State Department over the planned dehumanization of ethnic Mexicans on Good Samaritan Day. However, the State Department reportedly told the Mexican government that federal jurisdiction over Texas has been shaky at the very best of times.

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*This piece was in response to a Christian Post article Poll: 9 in 10 Evangelicals Say Bible Doesn't Influence Immigration Views

Friday, February 27, 2015

ISIS Fighter Learns Calculus During Near Death Experience

A similar rifle to the one that injured the jihadist.

MOSUL, IRAQ Mohammad Omar, foot soldier of ISIS, was pronounced dead at a local medical facility only to regain consciousness minutes later with an in depth knowledge of calculus. 

Very serious about good
dental care.
Mr Omar entered the emergency room after suffering from a series of self inflicted gun shot wounds. Witnesses at the shooting report that they had never seen anyone mishandle an AK-47 in such a matter. While many present stated that they could have done more to prevent the shooting, they were simply gobsmacked to see someone picking his teeth with a bayonet while said bayonet was attached to a rifle. "That guy, wow. But what can you say about someone named Mohammad without getting your head cut off?" stated an anonymous source.

Monday, February 23, 2015

God Rebrands Himself As Neil Patrick Harris

Yahweh, commonly known to the multitudes as God, has announced that He is rebranding Himself as Neil Patrick Harris. This radical change is on the heels of the increasing awareness that God's former brand reflected an ideal that simply doesn't fit into the 21st century.

Rafael Kannard, the archangel who spearheads Yahweh's marketing team, stated that there were too many negative connotations associated with the old brand. "Our percentage in the Winning Hearts and Minds metric has been steadily decreasing in the upscale demographic. What we have been seeing is a surge with the psychologically unstable crowd, and let's face it, that's not an audience we want to base our brand on," the archangel confided.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mississippi Lawmaker Demands The Alphabet Be Abolished In Order To Raise Literacy Scores

Mississippi's state flag.
Jackson, Mississippi  Republican State Representative Arnold Stupeo has proposed a bill that would ban the teaching of the alphabet in public schools. House Bill  71 (HB 71), commonly known as Big Bird's Bill, has passed out of committee and ready for the full House to vote on.   

HB 71 is in response to the sad fact that more that 28% of third graders in the state are expected to fail the required reading test and will not proceed to the fourth grade. "The ingenious part of my bill is that we alter the state exam so that abolishing the alphabet is not an issue," Rep Stupeo stated. 

HB 71's nickname, Big Bird's Bill, is a nod to the federal government's role in educating the next generation of Mississippi voters. While the state is abandoning the building blocks of the English language, it is expected that Sesame Street will pick up the slack. "If Washington wants to tell us what to teach our kids, then I say we let them teach," Representative Stupeo went on to say. 

Dick and Jane without  all those
superfluous words.
The proposed law will replace teaching the alphabet with a rigorous curriculum centered around picture books. Students will learn the basics of proper grammar through such classics as See Spot Run, Dick and Jane Go, Go, Go, and The Diary of Anne Frank. However, all words will be cleansed from the books, leaving only vivid illustrations depicting character development and plot.

Tax payers are up in arms -- with excitement over the proposed savings HB 71 promises. The state is expected to save millions in the first year alone. The real problem dividing the public is how to spend the windfall: increase the funding for local football teams or tearing down the old State House and putting in its place a new one based on Solomon's Temple as depicted in the Old Testament. There is a buzz in the air that once math, science, and social studies are converted to an all picture book curriculum there will be more than enough money for both plans.

Students are looking forward to plunging into this new way of learning. Seventh grader Marci White went on the record saying, "I never got a whole lot out of school anyway. If they want to pretend to teach me, then I plan to do my best and pretend to learn."

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