Monday, October 27, 2014

City Mandates Children Wear Police-Style Body Cams Around Priests

Local officials tell Catholics, "It's for the kids."

Cambridge, MA Alfred Cunnard, City Manager, has signed a bill mandating that any child under the age of 14 who is within eye shot of a Catholic Priest must wear a body cam similar to the ones that many police departments have recently adopted.

The new law is filed under the Title 9 Public Peace, Morals, and Welfare city ordinances.

The official body cam for
Cambridge, MA youths.
(b) Whenever a child [as defined as anyone under 14 years of age] is within the viewing distance of a person who is recognized as an official of the Roman Catholic Church, he or she shall be equipped with two (2) body cameras.
The first of the two cameras will be worn on the ventral (front) side and the second will be secured on the dorsal (back) side of the child.
What is considered within viewing distance is not determined by the Church official, rather, it is determined by the range of vision enjoyed by a person with 20/20 sight.
Whoever, having care and custody of a child, wantonly or recklessly permits unrecorded access of that child to a Church official shall be punished by imprisonment for not more than two and one-half years in the house of correction.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

President Obama Chooses Snake Handler as Faith-Based Ebola Czar

Obama calls upon a higher power.

Washington DC President Obama announced today that he is appointing Reverend Allister Grebe as the official Ebola Faith-Based Czar. Rev. Grebe heads  Calaveras County's Ark of the Covenant Baptist Church in Kentucky, and is a proud member of a family whose men have taken up metaphorical crosses and very real rattlesnakes in the service of Jesus.

Up until now the White House had stated that American churches, mosques, and temples had been doing a commendable job calling upon divine assistance in the fight against the Ebola virus. However, as Republicans blame the President of inadequate leadership, pressure has been growing for Obama to act regardless of how effective that action may be.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Alabama State Representative Candidate States Atheists are Worse than Satanists

Russellville, Alabama Warren "Boilerplate" Hershel III, Republican candidate for State Representative in the 2nd District, did not set off a political firestorm when he stated that "atheists are worse than Satanists." Mr Hershel made the remark while hosting the weekly meat raffle at Christ's Baptist Church. The crowd, made up of elderly members of the congregation, simply looked at each other and nodded in silent approval.

"At least you know where you stand with the Satanists," yelled out Mathew King, long time resident. "Atheists? Don't they worship Hitler?"

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Secret Pentagon Anti-Jihadist Pork Plan

The Pentagon is hoping that
the pig is mightier than the suicide vest.
Washington DC - Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, has released highly classified documents depicting the Pentagon's new strategy to fight the Islamic State or ISIS. Operation Trojan Pork will create an underground infrastructure in territory controlled by the terrorist organization. Its purpose is to infiltrate pork into the everyday lives of those who the secret papers refer to as "Islamo-stormtrooper fascists."

Phase One of Operation Trojan Pork will have operatives place pork related flavors into the diet of the average foot soldier/aspiring suicide bomber. The essence of smokey bacon is to be infused in fatayers, a tasty meat pie, enjoyed throughout the region. Lambs will be fed genetically altered grain that has the tastiest chromosomes from sus scrofa domesticus (the common pig) spliced in. Drones will release the pleasing aroma of bacon at night so that when the jihadist awakes they are not "thinking about Allah but what exactly is that wonderful smell?"

Friday, September 19, 2014

Seven Signs Your Religious Friend Is Actually Listening To You

Many of you have or had a religious friend that actually paid attention to your godless arguments. Here are a few symptoms that indicate that friend has been listening to you.


Spontaneous outbursts of faith!

Now you're saying, "Andy, the super religious fanatic will speak out about his or her faith for no apparent reason. How can you say that my religious friend is listening to me when he or she is praising Jesus?"

Easy. When absorbing information that undermines a person's basic conception of how the universe works (i.e., there is an omniscient omnipresent being that cares about how much porn anyone watches) it's been my experience that there is a psychological push back from the irrational faith-based mind. The number of spontaneous outbursts of faith increase while the your religious friend's rational side wrestles with facts.

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