Monday, April 28, 2014

Loch Ness Monster vs Buddhists

I sent this email from the Loch Ness Monster to the concerned party. Hopefully I'll get a reply.

Dear Lama Gelongma Zangmo,

The Loch Ness monster is “spiritual” say Buddhists in The Scotsman sent my cold blooded metabolism into a boil upon reading. In the aforementioned article, you, the official lama of Great Britain, Lama Gelongma Zangmo, stated that I, the Loch Ness Monster, am a naga -- a water deity. To quote you, "Nessie is a naga. We build the relationship with the naga, try to please them and don’t abuse the environment." While I laud your efforts to preserve the environment that we all share, I must set the story straight: I am not a naga. I have never been a naga, and looking at my day planner for the next few centuries I can not see any date at which I am turning into a naga.

I am a proud Scots-entity (not monster), and part of a large and respected family of Scots-entities (goblins, kelpies, and the such) who have made their home in these bucolic lands. Since the first written report of my existence by Saint Columbia in the 6th century, I have worked assiduously to stay hidden as well as entertain locals, and later international visitors. With all due respect to your beliefs, Lama Gelongma Zangmo, I find it cheeky that you would co-opt me into your pantheon.

Within a few seconds of Googling naga, I found this definition of the entity you say I am:
The naga is a legendary aquatic, serpentine creature that resides in oceans, rivers, lakes, or waterfalls. Nagas are said to have black scales and can grow to hundreds of feet in length. Nagas are traditionally worshipped as personifications of water deities and considered bringers of rain and clouds. They are guardians of temples and holy places. Most Kaliyatran believe that the superior God direct the actions of the nagas, and these sea serpents are honoured with many titles such as the "Maharaja Sarpa" and the "Naga who is God". It is commonly believed that nagas live in underground cities, are capable of speech and can use their heavenly powers to control weather and assume humanoid form at will.
As a proud entity of Scottish origin, I can assure you and your adherents that this entity does not follow the orders of any "superior God" or Englishman for that matter. And while controlling the weather would be nice,  I simply can not do such things. I just want to point out that I am not the sort of creature who would punish the inhabitants of this proud country with rain, rain, and rain.

Allow me to be blunt. It is clear that the Buddhist retreat you are building on the shores of my home, Loch Ness, will be successful without having to drag my good name into this scheme.

Good day to you,


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  1. I honestly hope you get a response, and if you do please post it.


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