Monday, February 3, 2014

Pope Francis Excommunicates Peyton Manning

Manning during happier times.

Pope Francis has officially signed Peyton Manning's document of excommunication, and thereby consigning the NFL quarterback's soul to hell after the crushing defeat in Super Bowl XLVIII. The pontiff was quick to have the preliminary documents drawn up just before half-time when it was clear that Manning's Broncos were suffering from a rout not seen since the 6 week capitulation of France to Nazi Germany.
God hates Peyton Manning. How else you you explain those pick-sixes? - Pope Francis     
Many Americans are scratching their collective heads at the leader of Catholicism's logic, but others are not that surprised. A recent survey by the Public Religion Research Institute found that 50% of Americans see supernatural forces at work during games. While Protestants are more likely than Catholics to believe that God rewards athletes (about 60% in comparison to 50% Catholics), Pope Francis is clearly on the side of faith.

This would've been easier
if the Reformation never
When confronted with the obvious fact that Peyton Manning is Presbyterian and not even Catholic the Pope stated, "If the Presbyterians had a proper Pope, he would've done the job. Now I have to clean up their mess."

Up until now liberals and progressives have overlooked the Pope's shortcomings. In online forums and coffeehouses the common refrain was He's a lot better than that other fellow. Now people must square their conceptions of a smiling, happy pope with the fact that Francis still considers gay marriage an example of the curse known as moral relativism (read - gays who behave gayly will still burn in hell fire), is against the ordination of women, isn't signing off on a woman's right to have an abortion, and still stonewalling on the Church child abuse scandal. 

Peyton Manning's supporters have been quite vocal in their support of "The Sheriff". There is a lot of evidence that Super Bowl LXVIII was God testing the faith of the Denver quarterback. "Look, the guy had the best regular season in the NFL  throwing for 5,477 yards and 55 touchdowns against 10 interceptions," stated local sports fan and amateur theologian, Billy "the Bar Fly" Kannard. "Peyton is just like the biblical character of Job, who at no fault of his own lost God's favor. Job had his kids killed by acts of God, while Peyton's legacy irreparably damaged by the Almighty. Why? I don't know. Human suffering is God's business, not mine."

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* Yes, this is a Poe.

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