Sunday, January 26, 2014

Massachusetts Given Godless Award by EU

Typical Massachusetts cheekiness.

The European Union's Ministry of Saccadic Affairs has officially given Massachusetts the austere title Least Likely American State to Fall Into a Pit of Jabberwock. This is the first time such an award has been given, and partly based  on the American Bible Society's study America's Most Bible Cities. That study surveyed local populations and asked participants whether or not he or she has read the Bible in the last seven days and how accurate the holy book is.

The 5 cities that are destined for hellfire (lowest ranked) are:

     96. Cedar Rapids, Waterloo, IA
     97. San Francisco, Oakland, San Jose, CA
     98. Boston, MA/Manchester, NH
     99. Alban, Schenectady, Troy, NY
     100. Providence, RI/New Bedford MA

"Without a doubt Massachusetts is heading for the same hellfire destined for Sweden and Denmark," stated Minister Andrew Kannard. "Scandinavian states are notoriously stable, happy, and secular. Massachusetts may not be Norway, but we felt it was necessary to reward an American province for good behavior."


Deval Patrick, governor of the most-damned state in the union, has been caught off guard by the EU's recognition. Staffers scrambled to do damage control as AM talk radio hosts sharpened their rhetorical blades to eviscerate "those brainy people who do that thing with their thinky gobs."


Local child not happy about dinner.
Governor Patrick has been a friend to the godless community by proclaiming December 8th "Harvard Humanist Day" in Massachusetts. The official document noted the opening of the Humanist Hub in Cambridge, and recognized the public good that the godless have done. While the chief executive isn't wavering from his support of godless citizens during this political turmoil, he has endorsed a blue ribbon commission: How to make atheists eat fewer babies.

Texas and several other red states have created an online petition to force Massachusetts out of the United States of 'Merica. When asked how could Texas spearhead such a push when they themselves had recently wanted to secede from the country, Governor Perry stated, "This is God's country. The Almighty is mysterious and capricious." When a staffer whispered that capricious wasn't the correct word, Governor Perry yelled, "That's college talk!"

Meanwhile, many Massachusetts secretly worry that next year's Least Likely American State to Fall Into a Pit of Jabberwock award will go to Vermont or Oregon.


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Yes, this is a Poe.
But, the Bible-minded article is real as is the piece about Dec 8th having been Harvard Humanist Day in MA.




3 comments:

  1. Well the part about Providence, RI being the LEAST Biblical is fantastic. Yeah - I can only vouch or my local Catholic church - but even on the high holidays of the Catholic faith - you might see 20 cars in the parking lot. Even if you figure 4 people to a car, that's 80 people in a facility built to accommodate 300+.

    So yeah, the church is losing it's grip at last. I'm so happy about that.

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  2. Here are some Providence t-shirts for the occasion. A new tourism angle? http://www.cafepress.com/godlessprovidence

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  3. That cheeky sign made me laugh and think about the post with your signs. :)
    Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete

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