Monday, October 7, 2013

What Christians Say When Things Go Wrong

10. "It's the gays fault."
This is a great response if your worldwide homophobic/misogynistic organization gets caught covering up systematic child rape on a biblical scale. 

9. "We need to get back to old-fashioned Bible values."
This is a variation of scapegoating/blaming the victim. What concerns me is what olde tyme values are we talking about? Killing your child for misbehaving or not letting those uppity women talk in church?

8. "God is testing me/us."
It always irritates me that god tests people by inflicting them with cancer. Wouldn't a True/False surprise quiz be better?

7. "It's the Devil!"
I suppose this answer is easier to psychologically deal with than taking responsibility. I just want to point out that the Devil looks a lot like adherents of other faiths to the truly faithful.

6. "God answers every prayer -- in His good time."
Jesus thought he was coming back within the lifetime of some of his followers.

“Truly I tell you, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.” - Mathew 16:28

I wouldn't trust this guy's sense of timing if you want him to resolve your same day payday loan

5. "Jesus called back an angel to heaven."
What happens when a Bible believer doesn't immunize his or her kid and the child mysteriously dies from the measles? Goddit. It was for a good cause however since there aren't enough dead children in heaven.

4. "Man who is born of woman is few of days and full of trouble." - Job 14:1
Yeah, I don't hear this one too often either. However, I feel more respect for Christians who say something like this than those who preach the prosperity gospel (see #1).

3. "He had many healings before he died."
I heard this one at a funeral for a believer who had suffered horribly with cancer. I was gobsmacked. 

2. "Not. Enough. Faith."
Many of us remember this biblical bit of wisdom from Sunday school.

Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23 After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, 24 and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

25 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

27 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
29 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said,“why did you doubt?” - Mathew 14: 22-33

And that is the biblical principle that allows Christians to blame the victim. "That *insert major disaster here* wouldn't have happened to you if you had trusted Jesus a wee bit more."

1. "Send us your prayer request and tithe for this season of fiscal anointing!"
I watch televangelists every once in a while and have noticed that: 1. Every season is a special season of anointing, harvest, or jubilee; 2. Such seasons require money from viewers; 3. As an extra bonus the prayer team will pray the crap out of viewers prayer requests so that whatever problems present will be miraculously resolved. 


  1. Great list. I'd add:

    1) God works in mysterious ways. So mysterious in fact, that it resembles not existing at all.

    2) That (insert Christian scumbag here) wasn't a real Christian!

    Nice list!

  2. But it is a matter of faith, that God will intervene and give your child a miracle child just in time.....I cant help it that god is punishing you for immoral behavior......or your great grandfathers immoral behavior....or someones immoral behavior OK!

    Leave me alone you just want to persecute me. :)

    Great as always

  3. Prayersturbation? That is hilarious!

  4. Great list. It drives me friggin' crazy that people in this day and age of advancing physics still believe in religious BS. They don't even try and investigate their religious beliefs either, even though it is the most important thing in their gullible lives. So strange...


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