Vatican City, Rome Pope Francis I held a press conference today to discuss the shutdown of of the American Federal Government. His message: Thank God the Church is not a democracy so that we don't have to worry about these things.
Brothers and Sisters in Christ, it is unfortunate that a country so great as the United States of America is undergoing this season of fiscal uncertainty. However, Catholics should feel secure in their hearts that the Catholic Church is a theocratic institution, and that we are independent of the thoughts, feelings, and the moral sensibilities of the flock...
Pope Francis I continued to discus that if the Church was really responsive to its adherents, then major policies would be changed towards women, a celibate priesthood, and transparency in dealing with local authorities in cases of child rape committed by priests.
Opinions about the Pope's newest statement are predictably mixed. Archbishop Molan, of New York, applauds the Holy Father's spiritual and political insight.
Anyone conversant with the Bible and the traditions of the Church is well aware that as God is served by the Church, Catholics serve the Holy See. Democracy is a foreign invention by pagan Greeks.Pope Francis' popularity among American Catholics remains untarnished. The general consensus can be summed up as, "He's a lot better than Pope Nazi, and that's great!"
What is surprising to many is that a substantial number of atheists are still overjoyed by Pope Francis job performance. "We need to be grateful for any softening of Catholic rhetoric, even though there is no substantial change in policy," stated one online anonymous commenter.
Pope Francis I ended his speech with mentioning an upcoming announcement on gay rights. "All I can tell you now is that the message will hinge on the Pauline principle of Be nice to sinners, so that they will sin more and god will punish them even harder!"
*Yes, this is a Poe.
But you knew that, right?