Saturday, July 27, 2013

10 Reasons Why To Breakup With God

10. His friends suck breakup. 

Everyone knows that you can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So why would an omnibenevolent, omnipotent, and omniscient being associate Himself with a pack of super villains (Jihadi, Crusader, and the Pedantic Pedophile Priest)? If Jesus can appear on toast, couldn't the Almighty write one strongly worded letter to the editor distancing himself from such people?

9. I don't like what you did to my penis breakup. 

I didn't even know that my penis got assaulted when I was a baby until I got much much older. And why the unwarranted attack?  Because you wanted all the world to know that we shared this special covenant. Fine. That's ancient history at this point. I've accepted it. 

(And by fine I mean it's not fine and that's why we're breaking up you goddamned sociopath.)

8. I'm sick and tired having to explain your freaky behavior to my friends and family breakup.

You hate homosexuality, it's in the Old and New Testaments. I've spent hours defending your idea that gay sex is wrong because you said it's wrong, and that should be good enough. 

Also, having to explain acts of God (earthquakes, tornadoes) at Thanksgiving was never a treat.

7. You made me feel icky on the inside breakup. 

I woke up one day, and realized that I didn't like who I was in our relationship. It felt like you were constantly telling me not to watch porn, not to eat bacon, and vote in a very Iron Agey kind of way.

It was as if I was your slave.

6. Your sense of humor is all messed up breakup.

Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad. - Ecclesiastes 7:3

WTF, man? WTF?

5. I didn't like how you treated the waiter/waitress breakup.

One of the ways you can tell if someone is a jerk is how he or she treats the waitstaff at a restaurant. 
And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall surely be punished.
Notwithstanding, if he continue a day or two, he shall not be punished: for he is his money. - Exodus 21: 20-21

4. Dinosaurs were never farm animals, pets, or taxis breakup.

I can't be with someone who would go to the Creation Museum not to make fun of it or marvel at the science denialism. 

3. He doesn't like my body ink breakup.

Do not cut your bodies for the dead or put tattoo marks on yourselves. I am the Lord. Leviticus 19: 28

I just want to point out that my Buffy-esque tattoo has nothing to do with the dead.

2. He says one thing and does the opposite breakup.

He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. 1 John 4:8

that troublemakers have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, “Let us go and worship other gods” (gods you have not known),  then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. You must destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock. Deuteronomy 13: 13-15 

There can be only one hypocrite in this relationship, and that's me.

1. Once I was on the right medication, His voice in my head disappeared breakup.

You may hate the pharmaceutical-industrial complex, but if anti-psychotic pills were around thousands of years ago, then religion may never have started.

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  1. I love it. :)

    A great list combined with some of your better memes.

  2. The last anti-psychotic medication made my day, its honestly how I feel when I think of Muhammed in a cave or Moses on a mountain speaking to a cloud.


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