Monday, June 10, 2013

Social Conservatives to Make New State in Colorado

Socially conservative counties in Colorado are mobilizing their voters to form their own state and megachurch -- Theochristic Colorado. If the leaders of Free Colorado are able to gather enough signatures by August, then a ballot question will appear in 8 counties asking citizens whether or not they want to secede.

But who are the people behind the push for what would be the first state in 150 years formed by division? (West Virginia was the last state to be made in such a fashion.) Andrew and David Koke are prominent businessmen who live in Steamboat Springs. They are the co-chairs of Free Colorado.

"The only thing we have done is to supply the organizational structure that allows the people to speak," stated Andrew. "Our passion has always centered on the power of Christ, conservatism, and real estate."

Indeed if Theochristic Colorado does form the brothers Koke will own approximately 62% of the land of the state. There have been concerns raised that the Free Colorado movement is simply a tactic for the Kokes to circumvent Colorado's environmental laws and Democratically controlled state legislature and governor in order to explore for gas deposits by fracking .

Local residents of the 8 rural counties strongly disagree strongly.

Steve "Gummy" McAlister
"It has become a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah down there," said Steve "Gummy" McAlister. "There's gays getting unioned, marijuana cigarette machines in schools, and now they want every gun owner to pass a Goddamned background check! Jesus didn't need a license to make a whip to get all them money lenders outta the Temple, did he? Why should I need one for my Glock 19 with 30 round supermag?"

Passions are indeed high on both sides of this contentious issue. Politicians in the Boulder are taking steps in order to ease tensions with their neighbors in the north by offering free cable subscriptions to the Glenn Beck channel and by disbanding all science departments in public schools.

However, Free Colorado marches on.

While the details of the new state's constitution are not yet finalized the Koke brothers are expected to produce the document any day now. An anonymous source within Castle Koke has stated that the law of the land will include:

  • Every school will be decorated with wall to wall Ten Commandments wallpaper. 
  • Every faucet will now have two functions: water dispenser and lighter.
  • Gays, immigrants, and Rachel Maddow will be banned from the state.
Recent polls report that if the referendum were to be voted on today it would past easily with overwhelming support by the under-educated and mal-informed. 

*Yes, this is a Poe. However, if you follow the first link you will see that there is a secession craze in Colorado going on. 


  1. Couldn’t remember where I first read it but something similar is going on in Idaho. Citadel in Idaho Maybe they’d be welcome in Alberta which has it share of similar types. Or Quebec where separatists want to form their own country, and that isn’t a joke.

  2. This whole concept is interesting of seceding. Especially since the government will never allow it to happen and I am not sure any state or part of a state would have enough justification to actually even start the ball rolling.

    I enjoyed the part about "gays getting unionised" it makes it sound so sinister in a black humor way.

  3. It is, inevitably, those people who make the most noise about their 'conservatism' who advocate the most radical 'solutions'.



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