Friday, April 12, 2013

Jain Geneticists Have Engineered a Human Being Who Utilizes Photosynthesis

The Jain  symbol for nonviolence. 

New Delhi, India In a stunning breakthrough, Jain geneticists of the Green People Project (GPP) have announced that they have engineered a human being that can utilizes the power of the sun for nourishment. This individual will be able to use the power of photosynthesis -- up until now an ability limited only to plants -- and gather all the energy he or she requires by standing in the sun. Food will be unnecessary.

"The Jain faith requires me to practice nonviolence at all times," stated lead scientist Chaterjee Khannard. "Traditionally this has meant not eating meat, and refraining from certain plants that require the killing of the entire entity like a potato, for example."

What's incredible about the process is that a person can go from an animal to plant life in a matter of days. An Adenviridae virus that has had a variety of algae genes spliced into it is placed into the patient. The virus targets skin cells, injecting the algae genes into them, thereby turning what had been ordinary skin  into powerhouses of energy. 

The GPP first started after the human genome was mapped. Mr Khannard immediately saw the potential benefits for Jains everywhere. Jains understand that committing even the smallest act of violence pollutes their karma and can effect what they will be in the next life. "What the GPP has done is nothing short of saving millions of souls from unnecessary misery in the next life, as well as giving people a pleasant green hue," said Dr. Khannard.

It is understood by the GPP scientific team that even photosynthetic Jains will still encounter problems such as drinking microorganisms inadvertently, as well as not getting sufficient vitamin and minerals through sunlight alone. However a new line of filtered nutrition water will soon be out to meet those concerns.

There are some who are wary of the new scientific achievement.

Executives at the Food Network have taken a wary stance at the GPP. While it is understood that people eat not simply to meet their dietary needs (the obesity epidemic is evidence of that), there is concern that a world of green people will take a bite out of the food industry. "At this time we have a new show in development that focus on the various "flavors" of sunlight shown through different filters," reflected an anonymous source at the cable channel. Alton Brown, the resident foodie nerd, is rumored to be the executive producer of Good Photosynthesis.

While mainstream Christian denominations have not yet commented on a future dominated by a green photosynthetic population, the Westboro Baptist Church has taken on its traditional role as the voice of reason. Their official statement read:
We are changing all of our signs from God Hates Fags to God Hates Fags and Plant People.

*Yes, this is a Poe. 
But you already knew that. 

Here is a picture of a weird Jesus shrubbery at a local church.

This is from my Instagram account.


  1. Straight out of some sci-fi novels I read a long time ago. Moral scruples and planetary colonization being the most common themes.

  2. That is funny. I love the end..."and plant people" know that is how it would play out!

  3. Maybe they need an upgrade..
    Bio-processors with VSAT module to mine the bitcoins.
    Jains are Veg+Hindu+Nastika(atheist*),
    but they believe in the "goddess of wealth" from Hinduism.

    *Generalisation in Hindu communities.

  4. I'm guessing Cameron Harris is referring to John Scalzi's "Old Man's War," in which modified human bodies are green, with photosynthetic capability.

  5. Thanks for the laugh. It was much appreciated.


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