Wednesday, February 6, 2013

What Would You Put in the Bible?

I asked a few friends what they would put in the Bible if given a chance. Here are their responses as well as one of mine.


Do not trusteth those that doubt the Word and contemplate for themselves. For doubt is a seed that groweth with freethought as if the warmth of the sun and water of life. Doubt is a poisonous fruit to faith. Whoever shall doubt my house and lack faith in the Word is an abomination in the eyes of The Lord and is not a true American.

1 John 6:1
Steve from Left Hemispheres 

Jesus spoke to his disciples, "Verily I say to you, my father thou art in Heaven, is a bit of a dick, just ignore him."

Staks Rosch from Dangerous Talk 

1 Spread the word far and wide, ye shall keep your mind open to fantastic claims, for there are many wonders in the world that are beyond your understanding, 2 yet you should always be weary of those making the claims. Ask yourself what they have to gain if you believe their words. 3 If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, thus saith the Lord.

4 Blessed are the creatures who are the pinnacle of my creation, for they can experience extreme pleasure. 5 Woe is he who thinks sex is an evil act, for I have provided you with sexuality to enrich your lives. 6 Do not admonish those who have different sexual desires than you, 7 for I, the Lord, have provided a variety of preferences to your brethren. 8 Many of you are attracted to those of the opposite sex, while others are attracted to people of the same sex as themselves. 9 This diversity should be celebrated, you are all my children and should all enjoy the bountiful gifts of pleasure that I have given you, thus saith the Lord.

10 Conduct yourselves with honor in all things. 11 Treat your fellow man with the utmost respect and always provide him with a fair deal even when you have him at a disadvantage. 12 You are never permitted to own another person under any circumstances. 13 I, your God, have provided everyone with the freedom to control their own lives, it is of the utmost evil to remove from them this right, thus saith the Lord.

14 Be careful not to put too much emphasis on the specific words that are used to communicate my message, for written language is far to easy to manipulate. 15 Use common sense that I have created within you to determine whether you are being faithful to my intention, or if you are simply furthering your own ends. 16 Women, for example, are afforded all of the same rights as men, you are all elements of my creation and should be considered equally in all matter. 17 Do not take all of my commandments using the word 'he' and 'him' as an indication of the superiority of males, but instead realize that this is simply a result of the lack of gender neutral pronouns in your inferior, human-created written language. Amen.

The Book of Hausdorff 

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
And the LORD said unto Abraham, Psych!

Brian G

Jesus said to the crowd that had assembled, "Fellow Jews, I know that you have been the Chosen people of my father for centuries. You have shown yourself to be faithful. However, times have changed, we have a new Chosen group now, Christians. They will have free reign to persecute you for the better part of the next 2,000 years. You should have believed in me, you know how fickle my father is! Oh...and checking my list...homosexuals &'re still out as well."

John from Reason Being

You many enjoy the next piece more if you use the voices of Monty Python for the characters. 

A group of bearded men nervously stand in a pasture under the starry sky of Ancient Egypt. Moses, leader of the motley group, gazes at the sky as the others eye his brother, Aaron.

"Aaron, what are we waiting here so long? I schlepped over here before I could eat, and now I'm waiting in the cold. I'm an old man, have some pity," whispered the elderly Max, the community's official kvetcher. 

"My brother just can't summon the Almighty whenever he feels like it."

"Well, can't he put a little effort into it at least?" Max pressed his point by getting into Aaron's personal space. Oh, Max, you really haven't been near a bath for days, thought Aaron.

Aaron shuffled over to Moses, who was looking at the planet Mars, although he had no idea it was Mars. 


"So," Moses replied, without looking away.

 "Maybe if you start talking He will come. I mean, He is already here, being  omnipresent and all, but perhaps if you start discussing the matter at hand the Lord will either scatter us like ants or engage in some sort of meaningful dialogue," Aaron offered.

"It doesn't work like that."

"Well, you are the expert."

"MOSES, speak to me," uttered a disembodied voice from beyond time and space.

Moses immediately fell to his knees. Aaron, a bit confused for a second, then followed his brother's lead. The other men looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from. Aaron raised his arm, and gave them the "Get on your knees, you ferschtinkers" sign. They followed accordingly.

"Lord," Moses stated, "we first want to thank you for all the curses you have laid down on the Egyptians."

"Bang-up job, your Holiness!" came a voice from the back.

"The river of blood and the toads were a nice touch," added Aaron.

"Why thank you."

"It's, it's just that we would like to," Moses looked to his brother for support.

"It's just that, we were thinking..." Aaron trailed off.

"What is it?" asked the Lord.

"Oh for Christ sakes." Max stepped forward. "It's just that the process could be sped up a bit, don't you think? You curse the Egyptians, Pharaoh decides to let us go, and then you harden his heart. We're stuck in this hell hole that much longer, and then you throw another curse at him and the cycle perpetuates. It's almost as if you like cursing the population of the non-democratically elected despot that you have a personal grievance with."


The silence emboldened Max even more.

"I've been talking with the others, and we think the killing of the first born of Egypt goes way beyond the appropriate level of force that this situation requires. Let's get on with the exodus and we can start wandering in the desert for forty years already!"

 The other men quietly moved away from Max.

"Max, " sayeth the Lord, "you have shown great courage and great insight."

"Thank you, Almighty."

"Too bad for you."

A lightning bolt came down from the sky, struck the old man and killed him instantly.

Moses and Aaron exchanged looks with each other.

Moses shrugged his shoulders, "Meh, I guess we're on track for the babycide then."

"And happy we are for it," Aaron added.

The men dispersed, and went about painting the doors to their shacks with lamb's blood.

Yes, that little bit was mine.



  1. WARNING: Application of this product will cause severe myopathy, intolerance and self righteousness and an atrophied quality of life resulting in death (and nothing to follow).


  2. The Book of Hausdorff gets my vote.

  3. I think Carlos Mencia did a bit about how the good parts of the bible could be summed up as "be good, pass it on."

  4. Hey, maybe we should all create an atheist bible together, with multiple contributions. Of course, theists may choose to respond in a godlike way and blow us all up....

    I forget what comedian did this bit (Jerry Seinfeld, maybe?), but it sums up the basis for most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

  5. Warning, Like Alcohol, or any other hard drug, taking too much of this particular drug into your body, will have negative effects on your health, your mind, and your general well being....


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