|In case you are new here, |
this should tip you off that this post is a Poe.
Pope Benedict XVI has announced his retirement on Monday to a group of cardinals. Citing ill health the 85 year old pontiff's last day as the Successor of St Peter is February 28th. The unexpected statement immediately caused disorder in the chamber. For centuries popes have held the office until death. The last pope to resign was in the 15th century. The pandemonium caused the rest of the pope's speech to go unnoticed.
I leave the papacy at a difficult time. The true faith is besieged at all sides by Islam, same-sex marriage, and the rising costs of children's tears to use for holy water. However, my legacy for future generations of Catholics will be the weaponization of homosexuality.
Newly revealed Papal documents show a secret alliance between the Holy See and various American evangelical groups. Over the 8 years of Pope Benedict's reign this alliance, known as the Empire of Christ or simply The Empire, has discovered the genetic switch that turns on homosexuality.
Researchers at University of Ignorantia have discovered the genetic switch that turns on homosexuality in men and women. HOMO1 is the 'master regulator' gene that controls exactly which gender a person is attracted to. The big break through, however, is the role sin plays in activating this gene. Scientists at the faith-based school for Christ-centered learning have long suspected that the acquisition of sin in a person's body is directly related to the change from a natural heterosexual behavior to the unnatural homosexual state....At the time it was considered that the finding would offer opportunities for those stricken with homosexuality new treatment options. However, the unearthed papal documents expose the true purpose for the research: the making of the Gay Bomb. The Gay Bomb uses Listeria monocytogenes, a bacteria, to inject the catalyst that will turn on the homosexual genetic switch that all people have. The Empire has also been able to target the bio-weapon specifically to Arabs.
"Yes, that is our plan: We will turn the entire Arab demographic gay in order to defeat Islam." said an anonymous papal source. "Not only will their population shrink, but there will be many who will fight against these sexual urges, and psychologically project their self-hatred onto their Islamic brothers and sisters, causing civil conflicts. It's a win-win situation for us."
News analysts, while surprised, are not totally taken aback with this news. Pope Benedict quoted a 15th century Byzantine emperor in 2006 concerning Islam "Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." While the pope has also fought tirelessly against same-sex marriage, that in itself has shown an strange fixation with what people do with their genitalia.
Pope Benedict has not commented directly on this newest scandal. However, rumor has it that he has signed a contract to be the new spokespope for Prada shoes.