Friday, February 8, 2013

God will punish us if we stop being bigots. - Boy Scouts of America

Boston, Ma Committee members from the National Council of Boy Scouts of America stopped off in Boston earlier today and met with the press on their cross country tour titled Yes, Gays and Atheists Still Aren't Good Enough for Us. The tour is to communicate the sublime reasoning behind the Scouts' recent decision to postpone the decision to lift their ban on homosexuals. 

Mr Kannard, Chief Executive Officer of the Perversion Files of the Scouts, stated, "The Boy Scouts of America are the paragon of traditional American virtue. Our mission is to shape the characters of young men in order for those young men to become old men defending traditional American virtue. But there are some who declare that the Scouts are bigoted due to our policies not allowing atheists and homosexuals to join. We say nay. We say we are not only defending traditional virtue, but we are ensuring the safety of our communities from the wrath of the Almighty. It is well documented that God has punished entire populations with earthquakes."

Mr Kannard proceeded to refer to the press kits that had been handed out earlier that showed conclusive proof that God's hand moves tectonic plates in order to teach moral lessons. *The following are excerpts form the packet.
’TIS absurd and atheistical to assert that Earthquakes are the Effects of a blind Chance, or to resolve them into natural Causes exclusive of the Divine Superintendency and Efficiency. We may affirm on equal grounds that GOD does nothing in the World in respect to Government, that there is no such thing as Reward and Punishment in any degree administered here; as deny Him this great and most sensible and awful Instance of His Power and Justice. . . .                  Rev James Allen Thunder and Earthquake: A Loud And Awful Call to Reformation (1727)

’Tis very sure: In the Works, wherein the glorious GOD goes out of the Ordinary Road, or His
Extraordinary Dispensations; In thee, His Voice becomes very Notable; and most inexcusable are they who Regard not the Works of the Lord, nor the Operation of His Hands: He shall destroy them, and not build them up.
EARTHQUAKES are such Works. We read, Psal[m]. XXIX. 8. The Voice of the Lord shakes the Wilderness. There is the Voice of the Lord in it when He shakes our Territories.... Rev Cotton Mather: The Terror of the Lord (1727)

The Boy Scouts of America will take up the question on whether or not to include gays during their yearly meeting in Grapevine, Texas. At that time the entire range of punishments from the Lord (floods, earthquakes, your team not winning the Super Bowl, etc) will be explored.

Many hail the decision of the Boy Scouts to wait until May as a victory.

**Texas Values, a conservative group that organized a prayer vigil this week in support of keeping gays out of the Scouts, said the Scouts organization was right to delay a decision. 
“It's a temporary victory,” Jonathan Saenz said of Wednesday's vote. “Good for them -- they're obviously listening. We are encouraged and we're glad they're going to delay the decision. When you deal with such fundamental principles, it's not something you want to tinker with overnight.”
 Opponents of ignorance and bigotry are slack jawed at the BSA's adherence to the cutting edge logic of the  18th century. "What the hell, man? How can you reason with these douchebags?" stated Andrew Hall, anti-bigot activist, as he hit his head against a nearby wall repeatedly. "It's almost as if they are competing with the Catholic Church in a race to the bottom of douchebagery."

When the BSA was questioned about allowing atheists into their organization, their response was an unequivocal  NO.

*   Boston was hit with two earthquakes (1727 and 1755) and, of course, the Puritan faith-based industrial complex claimed them to be signs from God. Take a look at the link and read more on the craziness.

** Yes, this is a real quote! Check out the link above.


  1. What amazed me most about this story was that the BSA actually postponed their decision because they did not have enough info. WTF? Really?

  2. So you are quoting yourself in posts now?

    I guess that's one of your hidden jokes that you slip into your parodies ;)

  3. Andy...I'm jealous of your (what the cool kids call) mad arse skillz. You and yours stay warm and awesome this weekend. The way the media portrays's gonna be a doosie fer y'all.


  4. It gets harder every year to have to walk past those idiots selling their trees every holiday season. Maybe I should create a picket line next year.


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