Today's guest post is from the funny and smart writer of the blog Recovering Agnostic. Here's how he describes himself.
I'm Christian by upbringing, agnostic by belief, cynical by temperament, broadly scientific in approach, and looking for answers. My main interest at the moment is in turning my current disengaged shrug into at least a working hypothesis.You can also find Recovering Agnostic on Facebook.
Sex-Starvation Necessary for Gay Bishops
|My bushy eyebrows do not approve of buggery!|
Following the Church of England's radical decision to move into the 19th century by allowing gay clergy to be bishops as long as they're celibate, an openly gay candidate for bishop has been rejected by the church for being insufficiently sex-starved.
"Look, I know what I'm talking about," said a spokesman for evangelical group Reform, one of several bodies that vigorously opposed the appointment. "I was a horny teenager in a church youth group once, with no outlet for my dirty, sinful sexual urges, and I'm now trapped in a loveless marriage because I jumped at the first chance to get my end away. I don't care if he says he's celibate, he's well short of the level of frustration and irritability that I'd expect if he was telling the truth. "Warming to his theme, the spokesman continued: "Celibacy is plainly not consistent with his contented, relaxed air of spirituality. Masturbation is probably a lesser sin than gay sex, as long as you don't think about men while you do it, but even the sordid comforts of an old, stained sock should leave him crabby, if not downright crotchety. Maybe it would be different if he was a woman - they don't really like sex, do they? But obviously, women can't be bishops anyway - that would be as bad as letting them vote!"
Reform is hoping to develop a waist-mounted device for objectively quantifying a man's desperation for physical intimacy, but until their sex starvation meter is launched, they're having to resort to estimation and ready reckoners.
"You know how there are women you'd only fancy after a few pints? It's a bit like that. The more desperate they are, the more likely they are to be attracted to ugly men. When they've been going without for any length of time, they'd probably be turned on by the Elephant Man. We aim to set a threshold of sex starvation, say 350 milliPopes, and anyone who registers less than that is clearly not celibate, whatever they claim.
"It's obvious that anyone who can consistently function like a normal, civilised human being must be getting their needs met somehow, and that means he's unsuitable to be a bishop, as well as damned lucky. We can only seriously consider gays as bishops if they're bitter, twisted misanthropes as a result of a lifetime of gnawing frustration. It's the only way to be true to Jesus's message of love and hope for all.
"That's the trouble with the gays, you see - they're obsessed with sex."