Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I'm Giving a Hate Group $300 and Burning My Goddamn Boats

I think the KFC joke is going into my stand-up act.

In the latest Left Hemispheres Podcast episode I talk about putting three hundred dollars on the line as a way to force myself to lose weight. And yes, if I don't lose the weight that money will be going to a hate group, a hate group that I personally hate.

I'm six feet tall and currently weigh 210lbs, which puts my BMI (Body Mass Index) at 28.5. To officially obese I'd have to rock the scale at 230 lbs. I've seen me at 230 lbs before and it isn't pretty, my friends. I've been an unattractive thin person and an unattractive fat person, and I've found the former to be far more preferable than the latter.

I suggest that you listen to the entire podcast, of course, but to find out more about my deal with the Devil check out my section which begins at the 29 minute 45 second mark. I'll be throwing up (no, not that way) a few videos on my weight loss progress in the following weeks, and talking about how much I dislike the ant-charity that my money may be going to. Perhaps I'll spin a few jokes while I'm at it, since the road between suffering and comedy is so well travelled.

You may say that it's morally wrong for me to put at risk that money going to the Dark Side. That I should have picked a kinder gentler way to motivate myself. I'd like to point out that I've tried being nice with me, and do you know what I've found? I treat visiting unfamiliar KFC's like some people enjoy visiting museums. (Oh, they place the extra crispy on the left instead of the right, interesting.) You have to bring out the heavy weapons against such a fixation on deep fat frying. Much like Alexander the Great, who burned his own boats upon crossing the Bosphorous and told his men, "We go home in Persian ships, or we die," I will lose the weight or suffer ignominious defeat that only the internet can provide.

Why would I do such a thing?

Because this is Purgatory.



  1. Good luck, for so many reasons.

    Have you thought of low-carbing it? I lost 50 lbs (without the dreaded exercise) about 2 years ago, and thin is much better than being typical American housewife... Yes, there are times when I'd stab a kitten for a doughnut - (redbean, sugar coated doughnut from Hmart...uummm). On the other hand I'm off to have bacon for breakfast, and my cholesterol is nearly half what it used to be - woot!

    1. I haven't seriously considered low-carbs. I've seen my wife do it unsuccessfully on several occasions, so perhaps that has scared me off it. Congrats on losing the weight.

  2. May the odds be ever in your favor, Andrew!

  3. So what hate group are you donating to if you don't lose the weight?

    American Family Association, Westboro.....?

    Btw, if you think 6 feet/210 pounds is bad, I'm not telling you my weight for sure, lol

  4. The Institute of Marraige and Public Policy. It's the anti-gay marriage group that Maggie Gallagher founded.

  5. For the record (speaking as someone who's seen you 3-dimensionally recently) you are not anywhere near obese, and I would never have even noticed you've gained weight if you hadn't told me. And you know my weight-dar is pretty good (okay, I know that isn't actually a word. So sue me.).

    I hope that declaration doesn't negatively impact your weight-loss efforts - I'm sure none of us want the IMPP to get your money!


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