Monday, January 28, 2013

Five Ways how Atheists can Avoid Discrimination

Atheists are disciminated against everyday. Many religious people look down upon the reality-based community as a pit of snakes just waiting to inject the venom of Satan into the naive. We get harassed at work, harassed at home, and,of course, our own government gives us a hard time. Here are some suggestions on how to avoid the day-to-day grief many of us godless receive.

1. Watch Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo  While this show is not considered religious programming, it does offer a look into the world of redneck America. For those atheists moving from blue to red states, you may want to watch a few episodes to understand what's going on.

And some of you may think that the amount of sugar that they are using in the video is simply a funny bit written in by producers on the show, because no one would ever make a fetish out of sugar. In response, I am offering two counterpoints 1. I have been in the South and have had sweet tea, and imagine the only faster way to mess up a person's insulin production is by shooting up high fructose corn syrup; 2. There is a reason why the Stroke Belt roughly coincides with the Bible Belt.

2. Say that you are one of those S.E. Cupp atheists. This tip utilizes Fox News "analyst" S.E. Cupp's shtick.  Sure, you may be a godless baby-eater, but the important thing is that you identify yourself as a pro-Christian, anti-secular society, FOX News watcher. Go about saying things like, "I wish I had the faith to be religious" and maybe, just maybe, the religious will let you be their b*tch.

3. Pick an obscure religion to identify with. In some places in America strangers will ask you which Jesus-loving church you belong to. In these circumstances, I suggest picking an obscure religion and proudly proclaim it. My personal favorite is Zoroastrianism. If asked, I can even shoot off some basic facts about the religion. (Did you know that they have a final apocalyptic battle?) The important thing for many religious people is that they know that you agree with the basic delusion that some sort of supernatural gobbledygook orders the universe.

4. Show no interest in science, philosophy, or history. Voice skepticism about math. Being virulently anti-geek will raise your credibility amongst the credulous. When in doubt, be wrong and be loud.

5. Go to church, publicly pray, sing in the choir, and never ever tell anyone you're an atheist. This is a 100% guaranteed strategy to avoid persecution by Gentle Jesus' followers. Sure, you'll be a hypocrite and living a lie, but you'll be right at home at church.   


  1. Hey, you really are very funny. Not just laughing in purgatory but laughing all the way to hell.

    It's not my preference but hey, it's a free country - right?

    Good luck with that.

  2. I'd rather be discriminated against than watch Honey Boo-Boo.

  3. There's a helluva lotta boo about Honey Boo's Ma.

  4. Boo, hoo, hoo ! I keep crying and feeling sorry for America !


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