Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Disney Buys The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints

Los Angeles - The Walt Disney Company has announced the purchase of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS) in a 4.05 billion dollar package that includes cash and stock.

Andrew Menteur, CEO of Disney, stated that after the recent acquisition of Lucasfilm buying the 175 year old church was a logical choice,"We wanted to corner the science fiction/fantasy market."

The LDS brings much to Disney. The church has a worldwide reach and a legion of fans dedicated to the fantastical story of how the angel Moroni gave Joseph Smith, reported conman, golden plates that only he could translate with the aid of his special divining stone. Unlike Lucasfilms, the creator of the LDS stellar mythology where mere mortals can rule their own planet, is long dead and can no longer interfere with the production of high quality Disney/LDS products.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Hitler LikesThe Bible

Came across this Bible verse this morning.




You may feel free to give me a Godwin.

LiP

Monday, October 29, 2012

My Email On How To Improve Hell House

I was on the Huffington Post and read the article Knock-Knock-Knocking On Hell's Door. It a heartwarming story about Pastor Keenan Roberts' selling Hell House kits to would-be Christian soldiers who wish to scare the beJesus out of the gullible citizenry and into the loving arms of Jesus. For the low cost of $299 churches can buy the kit.


Since 1996,Roberts, pastor of the New Destiny Christian Center in Colorado, has sold more than one thousand Hell House kits to youth pastors and churches. It’s unclear who put on the first-ever Hell House, but Jerry Falwell is generally credited with first popularizing the idea in the 70s, and a documentary made in 2000 brought them further recognition. Roberts’s own Hell House serves as the template for the hundreds of others around the country that are built to the specifications outlined in his kits, which include a DVD of his production, a 300 page instruction manual and a spooky soundtrack.
The traditional House of Hell is seven rooms. Six of the seven rooms are dedicated to a particular sin such as gay marriage or drug use. The visitors are escorted through the rooms by a demon explaining the sinful scene. The last room is where visitors see heaven and Gentle Jesus and are prodded to accept Him as their Heavenly Slave Master.

Well,  I decided to email Pastor Keenan with a few suggestion on his rooms for Hell House.

Friday, October 26, 2012

The Rogues' Gallery


The original database for people who
had lost their sense of humor.

I've added a new page titled The Rogues' Gallery. The Rogues' Gallery is not to be confused as a dungeon (ala PZ Myers) where people who are no longer allowed to comment are sent to. No. This page is dedicated to all the people who don't understand satire and feel the need to express that particular trait in very interesting ways. Each comment in the Gallery will have some background information concerning what brought an otherwise intelligent person (probably) to simply not get it. Allow me to state for the record that I'm not including people who don't like my sense of humor. It's obvious to me that not everyone uses a thinly veiled coping mechanism while dealing with the inanities that life presents us all. That being said, the people featured here seem to have lost all sense of the satirical and in humor that goes beyond the simple knock-knock joke.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Latest Post At Atheist Pig: Arizona State Senate Passes ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ Pregnancy Law


God loved Arizona so much he tossed a death rock into it.
Of course the Bible only says that God wouldn't flood the planet again,
meteors are a different matter all together.


As many of you know I've been doing guest posts every other week or so at The Atheist Pig. The latest one is Arizona State Senate Passes ‘Ignorance is Bliss’ Pregnancy Law. This satirical piece is based on a real bill passed by the Arizona Senate back in March. The bill would allow doctors not to tell pregnant women that their fetus is disabled in some way. The bill also shields medical professionals from any law suit from the mother. As you can tell the intent of the law is to prevent abortions.

Really. I put the links in and you can see for yourselves.

I wouldn't have known about the bill if it wasn't for comedian Katie Goodman, who posted it on Facebook yesterday.

LiP

Monday, October 22, 2012

Katie Goodman's Musical Comedy


I was listening to the most recent Connected Comedy Podcast when I found comic Katie Goodman doing her shtick. Thinking that you all would enjoy her songs, I decided to share two of them here.

Here is Saving My Hymen for Jesus.

 



This is the tune Probably Gay.

 


LiP

Sunday, October 21, 2012

6 Scary Halloween Costumes For Atheists


Dressing up for Halloween and going to party with your godless friends? Here is my list of scariest Halloween costumes you can wear.

6. A Jesus Ween Chapter Leader
 
 

INDIVIDUALS: can participate [in Jesus Ween] by giving out several Christian gifts on October 31st and especially when someone knocks on your door expecting candy, we prescribe you give a pocket size bible, Christian musical or teaching cd, Tracts, Poems, etc. - from the Jesus Ween site

Friday, October 19, 2012

My Guest Post: Scholar Awarded Templeton Prize for Proving Jesus' Virgin Birth


One of our chickens.

Sheldon Cooper, the blogger at The Ramblings of Sheldon, asked me to do a guest post for him, and in following Purgatory's policy in spreading around the funny, I agreed. The full name of the piece is Scholar Awarded Templeton Prize for Proving Jesus' Virgin Birth --  The Templeton Prize Awarded to Dr. Deepak Oz Mountebank.

I think it's one of my better pieces with a variety of jokes hidden in the post.

I wanted to add something else, a personal story that I was going to put in my monthly thank you letter to email subscribers, but decided it could go here...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

NFL Challenge Rules To Apply In Future Presidential Debates


Bringing some order to the debates

The Commission for Presidential Debates has announced the adoption of NFL challenge rules that will be instituted for all future presidential debates. The challenge rules will allow each side the opportunity to stop the action on the debate stage to give the Justiciar, an official from the BBC (considered a neutral as well as an intelligent arbitrator), to observe the replay, review facts and offer a judgment. The change of procedure was instituted due to the widespread complaints on how 'that other guy' goes about lying and how there is no one fact checking as the action occurs. The traditional reply to such complaints has been that people could look at the facts on their own later on, but that would require Americans to invest more time and effort in a task that they have very little interest in (i.e., facts).

The new Presidential Challenge Rules are as follows:

Monday, October 15, 2012

Holy Crap! Sarah Silverman's Dad Is A Total Badass!

I found out about this story on the Huffington Post Rabbi Writes Patronizing Letter To Sarah Silverman, Has His Ass Handed To Him By Her Dad. After clicking a link I came to the open letter that Rabbi Yaakov Rosenblatt wrote to Ms Silverman concerning her Let My People Vote campaign .

What? You're not acquainted with it? Here is the video.
 


Here is the open letter in its entirety.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

A Speciation Event has Occurred. Eoanthropus Dawsoni is Born




Piltdown University, England  A team of scientists from around the world met today at Piltdown University and announced that humanity has undergone a speciation event, and the internet is to blame. There are now two distinct species of humanity inhabiting our world: Homo sapiens and Eoanthropus dawsoni. Independent scientists from many disparate fields had performed a variety of experiments and painstakingly gathered data have come to this conclusion. Geneticists, microbiologists and  sociologists have been whispering about the topic in chat rooms for quite some time. Up until now many were afraid to go public with the information due to the predictable public backlash. "Our species has split into two, but there is no reason to panic," stated Charles Dawson, professor of biology at Piltodown University, to the antsy room of science reporters. "This sort of thing happens in nature all the time; it's natural." Indeed, speciation is the process where one group splits into two or more distinct sets. Members of these new sets can no longer breed with members of other sets and produce fertile young.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

God Smites Norway. Pope Says, "I Told You So!"


Norway no more.


The Vatican, Vatican City Within hours of Pope Benedict warning lapsed Catholics of "spiritual desertification" and of a "spreading void" Yahweh, Lord of the Universe, The Unmoved Mover, Mr Fine Tuner Himself has totally destroyed Norway. Pope Benedict gave his speech as 10AM this morning, and at 10:15AM Sweden discovered that it had a brand new coastline.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Satire At Atheist Pig





Atheist Pig just posted my new piece The FBI Raid Charlie Fuqua’s House and Find Hate Literature. Charlie Fuqua is running for a seat in Arkansas' House of Representatives and has some rather interesting views on parenting. I used Mr Fuqua in the last Poe-esque post about Antebellum Haven, a slavery theme park opening in Arkansas. The man warranted back-to-back posts. I hope you enjoy the piece.

LiP

Sunday, October 7, 2012

A New Theme Park Dedicated To Slavery Is To Open In Arkansas

It's a whites only version of  Disney's Magic Kingdom.


Little Rock, Arkansas The state of Arkansas has announced that it will open a new theme park, Antebellum Haven, in September, 2013. Work on the project has been going as planned. Last year the land was purchased from Moab County in the western part of the state. The investors of the family friendly theme park, Representative John Hubbard and House candidate, Charlie Fuqua, were able to to obtain tax payer support for their ambitious project.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Followers Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster Flood Ohio With Prayers -- Polls Shift Dramatically

Captain Rufus T. Firefly asking the
President to get out of the race for his own good.


Columbus, Ohio Members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (CotFLM) have flooded the metaphysical ether of Ohio with a carbohydrate-fueled blitzkrieg of prayers in support of their Presidential candidate, Captain Rufus T. Firefly, with devastating results. Previous polling had Mr Obama leading the Republican challenger with a six point lead. However, in the fast paced world of presidential politics those polls may as well been done in the Mesozoic Era. The latest Gallup findings show that Captain Firefly enjoys an 105% lead over the President and a 231.33% lead over that Republican fellow. "We have never seen anything like this before," gasped pollster William Kannard, "it's a miracle."

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

One Million Moms Organize Against DWTS (Dancing with the Scientists)


Neil Patrick Harris with his DWTS partner.


One Million Moms, the online network of Christian moms dedicated to eradicating the immoral media influences on children, have initiated a new campaign against DWTS -- Dancing with the Scientists. Dancing with the Scientists is the online sensation that has been rocking the geeky nerdy world as of late. Famous actors assume the identity of great scientists throughout the ages and are teamed up with professional dancers. Each week features a new routine and online voters decide who stays and who goes home. The show's goal is to incorporate science education in a fun and fresh format. Many fans fondly recall Neil Patrick Harris' portrayal of Alan Turing explaining the thought process behind creating the first generation of computers as he was swing dancing.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Blasphemy Day 2012 Demonstration

I attended a demonstration on Sunday (Blasphemy Day International) supporting free speech.

The first video has Raja Bhattacharyya kicking off our Blasphemy Day demonstration at Christopher Columbus Park in Boston, MA. A bit into the video you will see Zachary Bos, head of The Boston Atheists Meetup Group. Ellery Schempp (no relation to Moe, Larry or Curly) reads a statement about the role free speech plays in a healthy society. Ellery Schempp is a Unitarian Universalist and a defender of the separation of church and state. In 1956, his father and he staged a protest against a requirement that students read Bible passages and the Lord's prayer at the beginning of each school day. The Supreme Court sided with the Constitution and mandatory Bible reading was declared unconstitutional (Abington School District v. Schempp).


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