Friday, August 31, 2012

Clint Eastwood's Guardian Apologizes For GOP Speech

During happier days.


Statement from Clint Eastwood's Guardian, Andrew Kanard,

The estate of Clint Eastwood sincerely apologizes for the comments made by the actor in the nationally televised speech given at the GOP convention on August  30. In that monologue, Mr.Eastwood made comments that were inappropriate and untrue. A President is never responsible for  the damage done to the country from 8 years of mismanagement by the previous administration. The abuser of America and her people is always responsible, especially an abuser like George W. Bush. Economic and social  abuse of the proud American population is a terrible crime and should always be treated as such. We are sorry for any pain his comments may have caused. Mr. Eastwood has dedicated his life to helping others and these comments were completely out of character. He never intended to excuse abuse or implicate the victims. We hope that these unfortunate statements will not overshadow the great good Mr. Eastwood has done in nurturing the American film industry.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Celebrity Friar Defends Jerry Sandusky AND Pedophile Priests

This is a real story that I originally found on Joe. My. God.: Father Benedict Groeschel Reflects on 25 Years of the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. The article on the good Father was first posted on The National Catholic Register (NCR) and written by John Burger, the news editor.

The NCR has taken down the piece from their site (it was still accessible via Google cache) due to the fact that Father Benedict defends pedophile priests AND the predator from Pennsylvania State, Jerry Sandusky.

First, it should be noted that Father Benedict is a bit of celebrity in the Church.

It’s been 25 years since Father Benedict Groeschel and seven other friars broke away from their Capuchin communities and formed what would come to be known as the Franciscan Friars of the Renewal. Their growth as a community of priests and brothers has been impressive — both in the numbers of young men joining them and the number of friaries they have begun in the New York metropolitan area, other states and other countries.

Father Benedict, 78, who has been in religious life since he was a teenager, has also become a high-profile author and much-in-demand speaker throughout the world.
...he continues to maintain a public presence on the weekly EWTN show Sunday Night Prime. He also stays active in counseling at Trinity Retreat House in the New York suburb of Larchmont, where he has lived in a converted garage for many years.
 
The initial questions in the interview are fairly simple -- How's it going?  How goes the faith-based brainwashing? Stuff like that.

The questions then begin to shed some light on the crazy.
Is there something  you would say is your greatest accomplishment? The friars?

I never use the word “accomplishment.” I’m a fanatic on divine will,... People think it’s a crazy thing to do, but it’s called abandonment to divine Providence. And there are books with that title.
 
Note: Having books with a crazy title makes it less crazy in Father Benedict's mind. But that is only the prelude -- the opening movement -- of the lunacy to come.
Part of your work here at Trinity has been working with priests involved in abuse, no?

People have this picture in their minds of a person planning to — a psychopath. But that’s not the case. Suppose you have a man having a nervous breakdown, and a youngster comes after him. A lot of the cases, the youngster — 14, 16, 18 — is the seducer
 
Why would that be?

Well, it’s not so hard to see — a kid looking for a father and didn’t have his own — and they won’t be planning to get into heavy-duty sex, but almost romantic, embracing, kissing, perhaps sleeping but not having intercourse or anything like that....
 

What has the Church learned in terms of preventing this?
We’ve been screening seminarians for decades. That’s nothing new. I’ve been doing it for 40 years, for our old community — the Capuchins — for the diocese, for our small religious community. … It takes a lot of time — four or five hours — to do a psychological screening, and I don’t have a lot of time. There were times in the past when I’d do 30 of them. I’d do it for our community and our sisters.
Also, it’s very expensive. Now, I never got a nickel, but it costs between $800 and $1,200 for a psychological battery. I used to teach psychological evaluations. [Emphasis, of course, is mine.]

 
The thing that creeps me out about Father Benedict is how me makes the sexual assault of a minor seem like Romeo and Juliet with all the romantic kissing and hugging and sleeping together.

This is Purgatory.



 




 
 
 

 


 
 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Riffing On The GOP Convention


I spent a few hours watching the GOP convention last night and did some commentary on Twitter.



 


 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Yeah, I'll be doing more analysis on the event tonight.
 
 
LiP
 

 

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Richard Carrier Says, DO NOT MOCK A+!!!


I won't mock A+ here. However, in lieu of Richard Carrier's statement from the post Being with or against Atheism+

... if you mock or make fun of Atheism+ or belittle it with stupid dumb-ass shit like calling it Stalinism. That makes you an asshole. Point blank. Plain and simple.

I satirize/mock everything -- stuff I like, stuff I don't like. I suppose that makes me an asshole.

So be it.

Here is part of my response to Mr Carrier.



Oh, there will be more responses.

Why?

This is Purgatory.


Here are some more of my thoughts regarding Richard Carrier's demand not to mock A+





 

Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Glock 19 Has Been Named The Official Handgun Of The 2012 Republican National Convention




Tampa. Florida The Glock 19 sub automatic pistol with 33 round high capacity magazine has been named the official handgun of the 2012 Republican National Convention. Since its inception in 1982 by Gaston Glock the handgun has become a favorite due to its durability as well as its smooth triggering mechanism which enhances accuracy.

"The Austrian pistol has a special place in American culture," stated Dolly MacDonald, convention organizer. "Two-thirds of our police departments use the Glock and who hasn't seen a movie where the heroes gun down Muslims using this wonderful weapon?"

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Atheist Satire Part Whatever -- Richard Carrier Memes

I'm sure a majority of you are sick and tired of my satirizing the atheist infighting as of late. Yes, I am, too. I'd like to go back to the days when I can pick on the horrible doctrines of Islam, Christianity, Hinduism, and Judaism with abandon. Oh, for those halcyon days!

But today I'm drawn back in.

Before starting on today's wackiness,  here is a review of my work in this area.

NtB: Nil-thought Blogs

IT'S WAR! - Gangsters take sides in the battles for the atheist blogosphere

Atheist sects exposed!

and. of course,

Satirizing atheist conflict 

*Sigh*

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Louisiana School District To Teach Students That Whales Are Fish



Cobb's Parish, Louisiana The school committee in this bucolic Louisiana community has unanimously voted that students are to be taught that whales are not mammals but fish. The vote was announced last Sunday in churches everywhere to standing applause.
Reverend Jerome "Stonewall" Longstreet lead the charge in gathering support for the change in policy.
The process to change to curriculum vittles for our children took time to accomplish. But doing the Lord's work is never easy. We had to electrify the people with knowledge concerning the biological blasphemy.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Satirizing Atheist Conflict

I was reading Atheist Revolution's post The Freethought Bullies Meme and thought some levity needed to be added to the equation.

Levity is here.

Enjoy.




Purgatory's Ramblings

I use Twitter to riff on everything and, of course, wax poetic after a few pints. I thought I'd share some of the tweets here.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

NASA's Curiosity Rover Commits Suicide After Chatting With Britney Spears



Kennedy Space Center, Florida NASA reported today that the Mars rover Curiosity has taken its own robotic life after chatting with Britney Spears via Twitter. Curiosity will be remembered as the car-sized, 2,000 lb miracle of modern science that travelled millions of miles in order to broaden our species understanding of the Red Planet. The artificial intelligence (AI) was housed in a radiation hardened shell in order to protect the delicate circuitry from the merciless conditions of interplanetary space. Curiosity also had a main computer as well as a backup computer in case of emergencies. However, no one in NASA calculated the harmful effects of Ms. Spears into the equation.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Thursday, August 16, 2012

When Will The Mishegas Start?



Regarding the new poll on the upper left column.

Mishegas: A Yiddish word for crazy. For example,

It may be obvious, but it needs to be said: I think it's only a matter of time before some sort of mishegas erupts between *John Loftus' new blog conglomerate Skeptic Blogs and PZ Myers' Freethought Blogs.

*I wish John all the luck in the world, but it's only a matter of time before the craziness starts. I give it 7 days.








Mary's Assumption Requires A Lot Of Assumptions

The Assumption of Mary -- a Catholic fact


I'm sure that all of you celebrated the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary yesterday. August 15th 'tis the day when Catholics  celebrate the mother of God's express trip to heaven without all the mess of having to die and wait for the resurrection like the rest of the schmucks. Mary was able to rise up because she was not weighed down by original sin. Apparently God needed a squeaky sinless-clean vessel to incubate in.

The belief -- no wait, the "fact"-- in the Assumption can be traced back, states the Catholic Encyclopedia, to various writings in the 4th and 5th centuries by a variety of saints. Jerusalem is typically the city cited where Mary lifted off, but some believe the city of Ephesus to be the faith-based space port for her journey. Needless to say, I'm not holding my breath for the peer reviewed study that determines where the fictitious event actually happened. Debate on such matters are far less interesting and yet in the vein as when my son asks me, "Who would win in a fight: Thor or the Hulk?"

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Guest Post At Left Hemispheres AND Mr. Deity Tackles Chik-fil-A


Steve, over at Left Hemispheres, came up with an idea for a post that satirizes our diverse godless community by dividing it into religious sects -- Catholic Atheists, Orthodox Atheists, etc. The post, Atheists Sects Exposed!, is now up and I hope you enjoy it.

I found this video by Mr. Deity that satirizes Chik-fil-A this morning. I laughed out loud, and that doesn't happen too often. This video packs quite a satirical punch.





LiP

Monday, August 13, 2012

Your Bible Is Making You Stupid

It turns out that the Bible is really hazardous to your health.


New research out of Arkham University shows that reading the Bible decreases intelligence by an average of 2.5 points in men and 4.1 points in women. After reading the holy book of Christians for only a few minutes subjects showed "electrical activity in the frontal lobes drops significantly while the limbic system becomes energized." The writers of the paper, Dr. Andrew Canard and Dr. Jonathan Swift, restated the well known facts that the frontal lobes are where critical thinking skills are located while the limbic system is considered to be the "reptilian brain".
The data clearly shows that reading the Bible is positively correlated with illogical, irrational behavior because the thinky parts of the brain are stupidfied and the bad parts of the draim are made all strongy. - Professor Canard (after reading the Bible for twenty minutes)

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Missouri Names God As Its Official State Deity



Jefferson City, Missouri  Legislators in Missouri's state capitol have officially voted God its state deity. In a unanimous vote met with thundering applause, the Religious Freedom Bill was then brought to Governor Jay Nixon's office. He immediately signed it into law.
The Show Me State can now show the world what kind of moral people live here. God is now the official deity of Missouri and takes His place amongst our *state's official bird, Sialia Sialis, official state invertebrate, the crayfish, and our state dinosaur, the Hypsibema missouriensis. May God bless us as well as our state emblems. - Governor Jay Nixon  
The sponsor of the bill, Republican Representative Mike McCarthy, was brought to tears over the passing of the law. Given that this is McCarthy's last term in the legislature due to the scandals regarding his affairs with his family's live-in nanny, an intern, and a Girl Scout, this is the legislator's crowning achievement. "I love this country, Jesus, and Thin Mints," stated the teary adulterer.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

A Thank You Letter To Everyone I Satirize

Dear Religious Loons, Politicians, Atheist "Skeptics", and The New World Order,

I would like to offer my sincerest thanks for the vast amount of material you all have kindly provided the writing staff (me) here at Laughing in Purgatory (LiP). It is well known that during an election year the amount of idiocy mucking about dramatically rises and LiP has stood ready to satirize the choicest bits of stupidity. With the international situation deteriorating, LiP proudly produced Amnesty International Uses Drones in Syria in response to the insanity happening in that country and the total ineffectiveness of the international community to address the situation. Chik-fil-A offered a golden opportunity for LiP writers (once again only me) to comedically explore the nexus point between chicken, religion, and hate with posts like Chik-fil-A memes and Chik-fil-A Supports the Aryan Nations Olympics. Last, but certainly not least, is the group nearest and dearest to my heart -- the online atheist community. Without you there would be no NtB: Nilthought Blogs and IT'S WAR -- Gangsters take sides in the battles for the atheist blogosphere. What's even more awesome is that some of you (you know who you are!) are working very, very hard to overwhelm the writing team here with inanity.


My message to you all is Keep up the good work!

Thanks again.

This is Purgatory.


Monday, August 6, 2012

God Wants This Pastor To Punch You In The Face.

Turing is not amused with Bentley's shenanigans.


I wish this was one of my made up stories. One of those stories that is so absurd people say "This can't be true" while a small voice whispers in the back of their head What if it is?

This is not a Poe/hoax. Although I wish it was.
I found this story on the Huffington Post this morning Todd Bentley Controversy: British MP Wants To Ban Preacher From United Kingdom For Kicking People
The tattooed leader of Fresh Fire Ministries, based in Lakeland, Florida, plans on touring the UK this month, the Daily Mail reports. Several citizens, however, are begging officials to ban Bentley from the country, citing the preacher's violent healing tactics as potentially harmful.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Tennessee Teachers To Dress Like Jesus On First Day Of School



Tennessee's State Capitol

Calaveras, Tennessee Students in Calaveras County will be taught by none other than Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd himself, on the first day of school. Of course, the pupils will not be taught the specifics of  English, Math, and Gym by the Son of God, but by teachers dressed up and playing the role of the historical character Jesus of Nazareth.

The state legislature, in response to horrible school performance statewide, passed the Historical Character Act. The Act stipulates that the first day of school sets the tone for the rest of the school year, and what better way to doing that than having a major historical figure teach the students? After the law was passed local teachers unions voted on and agreed that the most significant character in world history was Jesus.

"I am so happy that Jesus is returning to the classroom," stated Cindy Hall,  a Calaveras resident. "It is part of our heritage. After all, Jesus is the reason for every season!"

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Chik-fil-A Memes

I hope you won't be disappointed. Yes, for better and for worse these are all Purgatory's originals.





Wednesday, August 1, 2012

New Poll: Are Rape Jokes Ever OK?

There's been a bunch of talk lately about rape jokes. Some people think that they are never OK. Some people do. And I said to myself, I really don't remember ever writing a rape joke. I've done a variety of funny stuff concerning a variety of dark topics.

But rape?

Nope.

And then I remembered.

Not only did I write jokes about rape, but they were about child rape. These jokes revolved around Catholic Cleanerupper-Man, a Catholic superhero whose job was to silence victims of sexual abuse committed by priests.

I think this would be considered a rape joke.


Some may argue the point, but everyone seeing the joke understands that the wee figure to the right is supposed to represent children who had been sexually assaulted by the good Fathers of the true Church.

Is the victim being made fun of?

Nope. I really don't make fun of victims. My job is to humble the proud -- more often than not the religiously arrogant, -- via laughter and absurdity.

What say you about rape jokes?

The poll is in the upper the left hand corner of the blog where it usually is. Feel free to comment below.

LiP

Addendum

I wanted to add something from the piece in Time magazine Louis CK Talks Daniel Tosh Rape-Joke Furor on Daily Show, Gives Classically Louis CK-ian Response. You can see the Louis CK interview on the Daily Show there and it is is well worth your time. The writer of the piece then goes on to write about the controversy. Here is an excerpt.
One thing or another kept me from writing about it until it seemed way too late, but for the record: (1) You should be prepared to be offended at a comedy show, but Tosh was still being a jackhole. (2) Rape is never funny. But a joke about rape can be. (Likewise the Holocaust, disasters, assassinations. Infanticide = never funny; A Modest Proposal = funny.) (3) Comedians, in general, can joke about rape. But Daniel Tosh, in particular, seems really, really crappy at it.
From what I understand, Tosh made the comments off the cuff, and when dealing with sensitive issues off the cuff can lead to bad things, really bad things. When you're on stage and interacting with the audience there is a lot of pressure to be funny in the here and now. Doing a rape joke properly is like threading a needle -- doing it in front of an audience is like preparing a four course meal in the time constraints of a McDonald's drive-thru lane .

Google+ Badge

Pageviews last month