Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Why Miracles Have Gone Extinct

Arkham, Massachusetts Metaphysical physicists gathered earlier today at Miskatonic University to attend the Miracles, What Happened to You?  symposium. The conference was co hosted with the esteemed theological scientists from the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT). Attendees enjoyed a day of faith-based lectures on such cutting edge topics like Teaching the Controversy: Ptolemy's Geocentric Model and The General Pernicious Effects on Children by Teaching Specific Relativity. However, the meat and potatoes of the august event centered on Miskatonic's own Professor Atwood's paper The Miraculous Extinction Event of Major Miracles.

There were high expectations regarding Dr Atwood's presentation at the conference. "Ever since the Journal Professional Epistemology published his paper, I've been itching to come here and see the man in person," stated graduate student Andrew Cannard. When asked if the decision to camp out outside the conference room for a week prior to the event was wise, Andrew stated, "The proof is in the tasting of the pudding, and being in the front row ensures that this pudding will be good!"

Professor Atwood's thesis is easily understood. Miracles exist in everyday life, that is for certain -- car keys are found under sofa cushions and lost socks spontaneously reappear after months of being lost. However, the obvious question for the thinking person who believes is Where are all the big events of the Divine Will actively intervening in the natural order? Why aren't any rivers being turned to blood? There are many sinful cities that cry out for such a punishment. While New Orleans was devastated by Katrina, such a disaster does not have God's fingerprints on it. It's simply too natural a disaster to be attributed to an omniscient, omnipotent, all-loving deity. Why aren't faithful Christians feeding thousands with one value meal from Chik-fil-A? Jesus was clear that followers would be able to do his miracles. Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. - John 14:12-14 

Professor Atwood has the answer and proof to back it up. "There was an extinction event that caused the sudden disappearance of all the big-top, super big miracles. I have found a thin metaphysical layer of absurdium deposited in geological strata. This 3 mm thick band of absurdium is found around the world. It is the demarcation line. Underneath this layer is where the first born of Egypt get slaughtered and other such events occurr. Above the absurdium we got nothing. Nada. The absurdium wiped out major miracles"

While Professor Atwood has been able to determine the role the metaphysical substance played, he can only speculate how the absurdium was spread around the globe. "The best guess at this time is that a metaphysical meteor stuck the planet. Of course, there is no record of such an event happening since by it's very definition the meteor could not be measured in anyway whatsoever."

After the discussion, the attendees enjoyed some refreshments, and everyone enjoyed the Kool-Aid.




  1. I'm drinkin your kool aid right now, bro. you are firing on all cylinders right now (which means previously your writing and humor wuz quite poor).


    ha ha


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