Friday, December 28, 2012

Westboro Baptist Church to Start Hosting Birthday Parties

Your kid's birthday just got awesome thanks to the Westboro Baptist Church!

Topeka, Kansas The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) has announced that it is in the childrens birthday party business. The church that is infamous for picketing funerals carrying signs that read Thank God for Dead Soldiers and God Hates Fag Enablers has chosen to soften its public image. "The 250,000 signatures on the online White House petition to label our church a hate group was a real wake up call," stated a high ranking anonymous informant within the 40 member congregation. "Who knew we were so unpopular?"

Customers of The WBC's Birthday Bash! will be able to choose whether to hold their party at the WBC's compound or have the travelling circus pitch a tent in the birthday boy or girl's backyard. The WBC will offer a variety of wholesome Christian activities that kids will love and parents will approve of.
  • Pin the horns on the Jew A fresh take on Pin the Tail on the Donkey has young partiers blindfolded, spun around, and then sent to pin a set of horns on a picture of a famous Jew (currently choices are limited to: Woody Allen, Albert Einstein, and any of the Marx Brothers). Children will learn the valuable lesson that even though the idea that Jews having horns is out of vogue, the biblical truth remains that the Chosen People are very horny.
  • The "God Hates America" make your own sundae station Youngsters will learn a bit of biblical truth at each stage of making their own sundae. When scooping the ice cream of their choice, the party goer will hear how God hates the freedom of religion with a story from the Old Testament. For example, once Moses destroys the Golden Calf God orders the death of those Israelites who dared to turn away from worshipping Yahweh.
    Then he said to them, “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.’” The Levites did as Moses commanded, and that day about three thousand of the people died. Exodus 32: 27-28
  • The Bouncy House of Hell No birthday party is complete without a bouncy house. However, the WBC know that secular bouncy houses are the antechambers of Hell. The WBC have Christified up their inflatable fun houses so that kids can learn about the perils of the afterlife if they do not learn to hate Catholics, gays, and anyone else who doesn't agree with the church's dogma. What makes the Bouncy House of Hell so hellish? They are decorated with the visions of Hades by Dutch painter Hieronymous Bosch.

A party favorite!
Hopes are high inside the WBC that their new business venture will create a kinder, gentler perception of God's righteous wrath.  

*Jeez, I hope no one thinks this is a real story, but those Westboro types seem capable of any sort of insanity.


  1. Good one, Andy!

    The Bouncy House of Hell sounds interesting - maybe I'll rent one for my next birthday bash.

  2. "Pin the horns on the Jew ... currently choices are limited to: Woody Allen"

    I can agree on this one if they limit it to Woody Allen. But that is because he is a sad, old, pedophile and a sucky comic. It would have nothing to do with his religion.

  3. This is good thing to enjoy and i also agree with you No birthday party is complete without a bouncy house. I love this place and whenever i come i will pray for my familyread more . I will try to celebrate my son birthday in this place.

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