I would never choose to be a politician simply because I don't have the ability to relentlessly pander to the masses. William Tecumseh Sherman, my favorite Civil War general and the man who came up with the "I intend to make Georgia howl" strategy, summed up the most sane response when offered the opportunity to enter Presidential politics.
If nominated, I will not run;
if elected, I will not serve.
But allow me to speculate what I would choose to do in case reality is turned upside down and I am given Presidential, nay, god-like powers to exercise my will on the United States of America.
Oh, I've given this some thought...
10. Legalize marijuana. As Mitt Romney likes to rattle off his list of things to do on Day One of Romnerica, I'll say that Day One of my reign would see the dramatic increase of revenue as well as a decrease of expenditures by my legalizing and taxing of marijuana. Of course, the decrease of expenditures would come from releasing all the nonviolent drug offenders from prison as well as the dramatic cutting of the DEA budget.
9. America doesn't need 11 aircraft carriers Eleven may not seem like a lot, but it appears that the Russians have 1 and the sad Soviet era clunker that the Chinese have barely counts (yes, I know the Chinese are building "real" ones). Eleven carriers are far too many. There is the argument that aircraft carriers do a lot of good because they are the front line cops since America is the policeman of the world. And that's fine by me. If the world wants to pay for the production and upkeep of America's aircraft carriers that's great. I seriously doubt that would happen, even in the bizarro world.
8. Tax the churches If those asylums want to tell their deluded patients how to vote, they are going to pay. They would pay through the nose as well as a few other bodily orifices.
7. Unicameral state legislatures This will come as a surprise to many of you, but I don't think state governments need a Senate and a House of Representatives. It makes sense for the federal government, but I don't see it for states. During the Great Depression Nebraska went down to a unicameral system and guess what? They didn't fall into the abyss. (This in no way means I advocate anything else about Nebraska.) Needless to say, costs of running state governments would decrease quite a bit.
6. Legalize and regulate prostitution This should be another obvious choice. Everyone involved would be safer and the government would be able to pay off some of our debt by taxing the industry. (Whenever I mention this I feel it's really, really necessary to say I've never been to a prostitute, but respect other people's choices.)
5. Jesus hopping Christ, I'd legalize gay marriage before I did anything. Before taxing the churches, legalizing pot and prostitution, I'd let the gays get married. I'd also make Pat Robertson watch me do it, too. Watching him cry would be a reward in itself. The only reason why this is #5 is that I'm exhausted and didn't think of it earlier.
4. Under God would be gone and In God We Trust quick to follow. Then I'd throw a party to celebrate the Establishment Clause of the Constitution.
3. Regime change in the Vatican. Clearly that place has been a nest of pedophiles and home to an international conspiracy to protect pedophiles. I would place Disney Corp. in charge of the operation and make the place an amusement park.
2. The Boy Scouts No more subsidized goodies from the government for them.
1. If your state bitches about the federal government and receives gobs of money from the federal government, expect those gobs to be dramatically cut. I hate ingratitude. I'm a guy who will help out and do more than my fare share. However, what drives me crazy is when the other party acts like I'm doing them a favor.
I'm sure most of you know that there are many red states who get a lot of federal money.
The above states would need to send thank you cards if they wanted any cash from me. A lot of thank you cards.