I'm sure most of you have heard about the gaggle of online White House petitions from citizens of many states asking for secession. In response to such well reasoned and prudent actions, I too have created an online White House petition.
Here it is.
We Petition the Obama Administration to:
Fully fund United We Is.
This federal program will be the glue that keeps our Union together in a time of manufactured rage and secessionist online petitions. United We Is will unveil a variety of events that will occupy the minds of citizens who have too much rage, too much time and too little cognitive resources to handle a more inclusive America. Events will include the Jangling of Keys, where postal carriers shake car keys in front of Fox News consumers; Hit Your Head on Hardwood, where contestants gather together to see who can strike the bull's-eye with the most force; and Free Freedonia!, a talk show on am radio about the USA's incredibly successful military mission in a fictitious country. Please support United We Is so United We Is can save America.
I ask my fellow absurdists to drop whatever they are doing (feeding the baby, driving or writing your own online petition) and sign this important, world changing document.
Really, you should sign it now. Who knows how long it will stay up before it gets taken down.