Monday, October 29, 2012

My Email On How To Improve Hell House

I was on the Huffington Post and read the article Knock-Knock-Knocking On Hell's Door. It a heartwarming story about Pastor Keenan Roberts' selling Hell House kits to would-be Christian soldiers who wish to scare the beJesus out of the gullible citizenry and into the loving arms of Jesus. For the low cost of $299 churches can buy the kit.

Since 1996,Roberts, pastor of the New Destiny Christian Center in Colorado, has sold more than one thousand Hell House kits to youth pastors and churches. It’s unclear who put on the first-ever Hell House, but Jerry Falwell is generally credited with first popularizing the idea in the 70s, and a documentary made in 2000 brought them further recognition. Roberts’s own Hell House serves as the template for the hundreds of others around the country that are built to the specifications outlined in his kits, which include a DVD of his production, a 300 page instruction manual and a spooky soundtrack.
The traditional House of Hell is seven rooms. Six of the seven rooms are dedicated to a particular sin such as gay marriage or drug use. The visitors are escorted through the rooms by a demon explaining the sinful scene. The last room is where visitors see heaven and Gentle Jesus and are prodded to accept Him as their Heavenly Slave Master.

Well,  I decided to email Pastor Keenan with a few suggestion on his rooms for Hell House.

Here it is.

Dear Pastor Keenan,

I am a big fan of your work, and I'm sure you get a lot of emails with suggestions on how to improve Hell House, but please take two seconds out of your busy day and read mine.

Suggestions for Hell House rooms.

1. Jew Room - The Chosen People are shown going to temple and following their evil non-Jesus ways: surviving genocide, their ability to tell Christians how they mistranslated the Old Testament and holding a monopoly of power in both Hollywood and in good delis.
2. Evilution Room -Charles Darwin is shown with none other than his teacher Mephistopheles. Together the two of them hatch the most insidious of schemes by inserting facts and the scientific method into the study of life.

3. The Massachusetts Room - Visitors will see all the divine punishment Massachusetts has garnered for legalizing gay marriage. People will gasp when they hear about the low divorce rate, good schools and high standard of living that the citizens of the Bay State must suffer through.

4. The Dreaded Public Library! - One of the most sin filled rooms. This den of iniquity is filled with ideas that have not been deemed safe by church fathers. Visitors will bear witness to the eerie silence of young minds learning in the children's area.
5. Christian Evangelicals Voting for a non-Christian Room - Watch Mormons fool self-professed Jesusites into believing that a group who believes God has a wife and that you can baptize the dead is actually Christian.
6. The US Constitution Room - Christians will gnash their teeth as the Establishment Clause is read to them. To make this unholy tabernacle even worse, visitors will hear the original Pledge of Allegiance that didn't mention that fictitious divine being.

7. Heaven - Jesus will be replaced by the late, great Christopher Hitchens. Woe be to those who will hear his prose and wit.


Andrew Hall

As always, I will post any response.

In case you want to email Pastor Keenan, here is his email:

1 comment:

  1. Gorgeous! Given the Pastor is a bit of a sucker, he'll be almost to the end before he realises that you're perhaps not really on the level. Wonder is some elements of truth will make the godbot actually think and put his remaining two functioning brain cells to work?


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