Thursday, October 11, 2012

God Smites Norway. Pope Says, "I Told You So!"


Norway no more.


The Vatican, Vatican City Within hours of Pope Benedict warning lapsed Catholics of "spiritual desertification" and of a "spreading void" Yahweh, Lord of the Universe, The Unmoved Mover, Mr Fine Tuner Himself has totally destroyed Norway. Pope Benedict gave his speech as 10AM this morning, and at 10:15AM Sweden discovered that it had a brand new coastline.

What surprised many was that there was no spectacle of destruction associated with Norway's absolute disintegration.  In previous times when Yahweh judged sovereign states He orchestrated a show that thrilled His adherents and added insult to injury to the damned. The obvious example is of Ancient Egypt which suffered the Nile turning to blood as well as the Plague of Locusts. However, God decided to play it on the QT with Norway. "It is believed that the Almighty simply stopped thinking about Norway," stated Dr. Andrew Khannard of Copenhagen University. "Without divine will things simply go *Poof!*"

But why Norway? The facts point to one conclusion: Norway was simply doing too well without God. Norway enjoyed massive oil revenues from offshore drilling. Many Norwegians owned second homes and lived a lifestyle only dreamed about by pious Catholics in debt ridden Spain, Portugal and Italy. "Not only did the Norwegians choose the wrong side during the Reformation," said Dr. Khannard,"but 17% of them were atheists and 47% believed in some sort of "life force". I'm sorry, with those numbers it was only a matter of time."

Conservative Catholics around the world are elated with the news of Norway's utter destruction. David McDonohue of the Catholic Legion stated that the death of approximately 5,000,000 men, women and children was "unfortunate". He insisted on focusing on all the souls that were going to be saved due this expression of God's love and mercy. "Hey, you have to break some eggs to make an omelet," Mr McDonohue said.

When questioned about what God may do next, Pope Benedict was coy. "I can't really say at this time... but I think Denmark has been awfully cheeky lately."

2 comments:

  1. No no no! Norway (sounds like a road north..) gone! This much loved, liberal, forward thinking, free, affluent, beautiful and full of sensible people nation will be missed. Does this mean it's time to move on? Canada is somewhat godfree. The loving god of the bible should take the Canadians on but this time, put it on pay per view.

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  2. Canada is far from god-free. I'm surrounded by religious nuts! Just check out our Prime Minister Harper. He is a climate denier, is doing nothing for the environment movement, and believes god will not allow us to destroy the earth. Canada is almost as screwed up as the U.S.

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