|Captain Rufus T. Firefly asking the |
President to get out of the race for his own good.
Columbus, Ohio Members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (CotFLM) have flooded the metaphysical ether of Ohio with a carbohydrate-fueled blitzkrieg of prayers in support of their Presidential candidate, Captain Rufus T. Firefly, with devastating results. Previous polling had Mr Obama leading the Republican challenger with a six point lead. However, in the fast paced world of presidential politics those polls may as well been done in the Mesozoic Era. The latest Gallup findings show that Captain Firefly enjoys an 105% lead over the President and a 231.33% lead over that Republican fellow. "We have never seen anything like this before," gasped pollster William Kannard, "it's a miracle."
The CotFLM first developed the campaign strategy, Operation Spaghetto, in reaction to the recent mobilization of many Mormons in support of Mitt Romney.
"I am asking you to join me and my family ... by fasting and praying for Mitt Romney that he will be blessed in the debates, which will be held Oct. 3rd," says an email posted early Wednesday (Sept. 26) by The Student Review, an off-campus paper for Brigham Young University students. "I know that seems like such a small thing but I believe 'from small things, great things can come about.' "Captain Firefly's campaign team took some time out from consuming inordinate amounts of beer to pay attention to their rival's machinations. "I told the Captain that the our Lord could easily noodle-slap the competition off the electoral plate," stated campaign consultant Russel T. Pot. "Not only are the Mormons praying to a false god, but they're fasting, too. There is clear research showing that the efficacy of wishful thinking dips dramatically without eating. Our plan was to carbo-load our prayers, and the statistical proof is clearly in the pudding -- and by pudding I mean Bolognese sauce."
The CotFLM's plan is to replicate the success of Operation Spaghetto in other states in the upcoming weeks. There is active debate in the inner circles of the campaign on who is next on the divine pasta's hit list. Rumors state that while some believe Florida is a worthy target, a majority of the beer swilling, smack talking members of the Captain's team want to make Mississippi go from Republican to marinara red just to prove a point.