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Friday, September 7, 2012

Yes, Virginia, Jesus Was A Jerk




I was browsing through the Huffington Post's religion section and found this piece Was Jesus a Jerk?  David Lose, the writer, explores Mark 7: 27-29. A woman, who happens to be a foreigner (Note: Some of her ancestors probably got slaughtered by the Jews in the Book of Joshua), asks Jesus to rid her daughter of a demon. Here is the discussion between the desperate woman and the Prince of Peace.
He said to her, "Let the children be fed first, for it is not fair to take the children's food and throw it to the dogs." But she answered him, "Sir, even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Then he said to her, "For saying that, you may go -- the demon has left your daughter" 
To wit, Jesus calls the woman a dog (Jews are the children), but the woman fully admits she is a dog and, hey, even dogs get something. Jesus loooooves this answer and decides to heal the kid.


There are different interpretations of the text that go out of their way to spin this story so that Jesus doesn't come off as a total jerk. If you're interested, please check out the link to the article and read about the mental gymnastics involved in spinning the myth so that Jesus looks like a good guy.

Me? I have solid reasons why Jesus was a jerk, and here are a few of them.

Wash your Goddamn hands!

Let's assume for the sake of argument that Jesus was ALL God and ALL man wrapped together. He's hanging out in ancient Israel and, let's face it, hygeine probably wasn't all that good. Sure, priests would wash their hands before getting out of bed to thank God for returning their soul to their bodies and God knows women had to bathe after menstruating. But what about when you just want to gnosh on something? What about after going to the bathroom? If you're God and dining with a bunch of friends day after day would it be so bad to say, "Guys, I have to tell you something. You really need to wash your hands more. A lot more. Sing the Happy Birthday song three times and that's how long it should take to go from wetting, lathering, rinsing and drying."

How many times did Jesus talk about proper hand hygiene in the Bible?

Zero.

Jesus was never going to get sick because he's God. He simply didn't care about anyone else.

Jesus was a jerk

There was no Bacon On The Mount sermon

We all know that Jesus liked to reinterpret Mosaic law -- he healed on the Sabbath, love your neighbor as yourself, etc.

What about bacon?

Or pork ribs?

I was on Twitter yesterday and asked whether or not Jesus ate bacon. A Christian responded "There is no evidence that Jesus ate bacon." (BTW, as soon as you get into a conversation with a believer whether or not Jesus ate bacon, you have pretty much won the argument.) So I asked him, "Would Jesus have eaten bacon if he had a chance?"  Of course he refused to answer the question.

Let's assume for a minute that Jesus would agree with the current Christian view that bacon is OK to eat. You can have all the BLTs and bacon cheeseburgers in the world without fear of God's wrath.

And Jesus decided not to tell anyone about this.

He could have slipped that piece of information into the Sermon on the Mount. Maybe he could have made a parable about the Prodigal Pig?

But he didn't.

That makes Jesus a jerk.

What the hell, Jesus? You couldn't tell us about penicillin?

Alexander Flemming discovered penicillin from a piece of moldy bread in 1928.

Think about all the people that could have been saved if we had known about it earlier.

That kid who died from the ear infection in 1639.

The grandmother who died from tuberculosis in 1280.

The father who died from gangrene in 980.

All could have been saved if Jesus had even dropped a hint like, "I'm thinking of a miracle substance that can save millions of lives from disease. It can be found on old bread and rhymes with cold."

But he didn't do that.

Why?

Jesus was a jerk.

And...

this is Purgatory.  

4 comments:

  1. Think of it this way - Theists say Jesus was a miracle-worker, but no one ever said he was a genius....

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  2. Why? Why are you using such STUPID reasons to take a shot at Jesus? 1. Why would Jesus defy his own laws he gave to Moses by eating non-kosher foods? 2. Washing your hands is les important to talk about then saving YOUR AND EVERYONE'S LIFE.
    3. He gave us the ability to create pennicilian but know one coul figure it out until then. Be greatful we have it now. 4. Jesus was waiting for the mother to understand something before he cured her. He would have done it anyway. I wish I could help you understand more.

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    Replies
    1. I can think of a hell of a lot more worse reasons. I particularly love the one where Jesus says a woman must obey her husband in all matters.

      I suppose he wanted all of those people dead, though. That four year old who coughed himself to death should be grateful that god decided to give humanity the cure hundreds of years later, in his infinite mercy.

      But yes, oh mighty and vengeful god. Thank you for your gift of moldy bread which totally wasn't discovered by pure chance and researched by scientists. It was all god. Thank you, if this is the case, for the deaths of hundreds of thousands purely because you couldn't be bothered giving us this miracle cure until the wrong end of the Titanic's voyage.

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  3. Christians love to argue that suffering and the death of children are okey-dokey as long as it's God-certified. What,countless dead babies because no one told the primatives to wash their hands? Who cares, because they are going to their merciful(?) God. And after rambling on with this nonsense, they tell you that they are pro-life.

    ReplyDelete

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