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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Charlotte, North Carolina Is Under Siege From The Asian King Toad

These toads mean business.


Charlotte, North Carolina The situation has become dire in the southern city that is hosting the Democratic National Convention. Strange, and at times disturbing, occurrences plague the municipality. An infestation of the Asian King Toad has made normal business almost impossible within the city limits. The Toads litter the streets and can be found in homes and office buildings. The giant amphibians are native to south-east Asia, where they are food for many predators. However, the invasive species is top toad here in North Carolina. The mayor of Charlotte, Anthony Foxx, announced a state of emergency today.
The Asian King Toad is a real threat to the our fair city. I am asking every nonessential worker to stay home, and to toad-proof their residence. Please keep all doors and windows shut. Stay off the roads unless absolutely necessary. Allow the Anti-Toad Brigades (ATB) to do their work.
The ATB is a hastily created force of biologists, veterinarians and pet store employees whose job is to take back the city street by street, building by building. The Mayor's office report that fighting has been fierce, and the Asian King Toads are not giving up an inch of territory without a series of ferocious croaks and awfully spooky looks that have 'freaked out' members of the ATB.

If the Asian King Toad invasion wasn't bad enough, the Catawba River that runs through Charlotte has turned crimson. Several local artists had to be called in to correctly identify the color, because city officials could not agree on what shade it was. "Oh, it's crimson alright," stated local artist, Maxfield Parish. The citizenry have been told not to drink or bathe in the reddish liquid.

Scientists are scratching their collective heads at these strange occurrences. "I don't think the Toadocalypse and the Catawba River issue are related," stated Andrew Kanard, Ph.D. "It's important to remember that correlation does not mean causation."

Local ministers point to the obvious: The Democrats have removed God from their platform and God is getting biblical on their community. "It doesn't matter that the Democrats still have empty phrases like "faith and religion" in their document," stated Reverend Caleb Haley. "They're probably worshipping Baal over there at the Arena."

Charlotte Skeptics (CS) have yet to make any definitive statements on the situation, but sources deep in the organization say that they have documents linking the Romney campaign with large purchases from Laos as well as buying vast amounts of food dye.

In the meantime residents are reading their Bibles for the first time and quickly becoming atheists.



5 comments:

  1. Monumentally stupid. Go get a job rather than make this crap up.

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  2. Great and said with your tongue planted firmly in your cheek. The real problem is that many Xians will believe it and go "toad hunting".

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  3. Once, while living in western Canada, our French class teacher was talking about an invasive species in Australia (toads or frogs, dont remember). He told us they liked to "fornicate" all over the place. That comment stuck in my mind as I thought of those fornicating amphibians when i saw the picture in your post. It really looks like a fornicator to me.

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  4. I grew up in Virginia, and a plague of toads (or frogs) isn't too unlikely. I remember a bucket full of frog eggs hatching in the yard once. The hatching was discovered when my dad went to mow the lawn. -eww! So I didn't catch that this was snark until after the jump. Well played.

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  5. If these critters are like most other toads, they thrive on insects such as mosquitoes. I should think that would be a boon to that part of the country which experiences bug-infested hot humid summers.

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