|It turns out that the Bible is really hazardous to your health.|
New research out of Arkham University shows that reading the Bible decreases intelligence by an average of 2.5 points in men and 4.1 points in women. After reading the holy book of Christians for only a few minutes subjects showed "electrical activity in the frontal lobes drops significantly while the limbic system becomes energized." The writers of the paper, Dr. Andrew Canard and Dr. Jonathan Swift, restated the well known facts that the frontal lobes are where critical thinking skills are located while the limbic system is considered to be the "reptilian brain".
The data clearly shows that reading the Bible is positively correlated with illogical, irrational behavior because the thinky parts of the brain are stupidfied and the bad parts of the draim are made all strongy. - Professor Canard (after reading the Bible for twenty minutes)
But why do women suffer from the pernicious effects of the Bible more than men? The data points to the fact that women suffer much more cognitive dissonance from reading the misogynistic tome and those mental gymnastics exacerbate the electrical damping in the frontal lobes. For example, when a man reads Ephesians 5: 22-24 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. they suffer the typical debilitating cognitive effects, but patriarchal instincts are reinforced. Women, on the other hand, must reconcile the conflicting ideas that they supposedly have the same rights as men while being told that they are effectively second class citizens in the city of God.
It was found that the deleterious effects from the Bible can be short lived if the subject picks up a book by Richard Dawkins or Christopher Hitchens and reads it for only five minutes. "It turns out that sunlight really is the best disinfectant," stated Dr Jonathan Swift
In a surprising finding, simply having a Bible in the home lessens the intelligence of everyone in the household by an average of 1.2 points regardless of gender. Researchers did find that the effect can be lessened by placing the tome with other fantasy books so that everyone knows not to take the shit in the Bible seriously.