|Tennessee's State Capitol|
Calaveras, Tennessee Students in Calaveras County will be taught by none other than Jesus Christ, the Good Shepherd himself, on the first day of school. Of course, the pupils will not be taught the specifics of English, Math, and Gym by the Son of God, but by teachers dressed up and playing the role of the historical character Jesus of Nazareth.
The state legislature, in response to horrible school performance statewide, passed the Historical Character Act. The Act stipulates that the first day of school sets the tone for the rest of the school year, and what better way to doing that than having a major historical figure teach the students? After the law was passed local teachers unions voted on and agreed that the most significant character in world history was Jesus.
"I am so happy that Jesus is returning to the classroom," stated Cindy Hall, a Calaveras resident. "It is part of our heritage. After all, Jesus is the reason for every season!"
There has been some controversy amongst school committee officials and the teachers' union concerning the upcoming first day of school. There are a handful of African-American teachers. "We have asked the black teachers to show up in white-face on the first day of school. And not just white-face either, we're talking about hands and feet, too," stated an anonymous source in the school committee. "Everyone knows Jesus was as white as virgin snow." African-American teachers are to report to their principals a few hours before class and make sure that they are officially white enough.
There has been one science teacher, Mr Alfred C. Tapper, who is making a fuss over the event. He points out that the law does not stipulate that the historical figure needs to be Jesus. While the rest of his peers are dressed as the Nazarene, Mr Tapper will teach his students as Carl Sagan.
"Besides the death threats I have garnered since I made my choice public, the major problems I'm having is getting Carl's hair just right and the proper intonation of billions and billions," stated the teacher. "But I'm sure everything will be OK. What's the worst that can happen?"
*h/t to the Friendly Atheist