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Saturday, August 18, 2012

NASA's Curiosity Rover Commits Suicide After Chatting With Britney Spears



Kennedy Space Center, Florida NASA reported today that the Mars rover Curiosity has taken its own robotic life after chatting with Britney Spears via Twitter. Curiosity will be remembered as the car-sized, 2,000 lb miracle of modern science that travelled millions of miles in order to broaden our species understanding of the Red Planet. The artificial intelligence (AI) was housed in a radiation hardened shell in order to protect the delicate circuitry from the merciless conditions of interplanetary space. Curiosity also had a main computer as well as a backup computer in case of emergencies. However, no one in NASA calculated the harmful effects of Ms. Spears into the equation.
We all thought it would be a cute publicity stunt to have a celebrity exchange tweets with the rover. Ms. Spears has always been a mediocre talent and needs as much press as possible. We here at NASA are always facing budget cuts and need to have the public on our side. It was supposed to be win-win, and now it's just lose-lose. - Dr Andrew Kanard, NASA
Ms Spears reportedly sent  these tweets to the Rover.
  • Hi, this is Britney! I like robots! Do you know that good robot from that Will Smith's movie,"Me Robot"?
  • Hi, this is Britney! How is Mars going? Are they ever going to build a bridge to that place?
  • Hi, this is Britney! Here is a link to my video "Oops!.... I did it again!"
It is reported by anonymous sources deep in NASA that the last tweet was the straw that broke the cybernetic back of Curiosity. After clicking the link and watching the video, the rover used the drills originally designed to explore the composition of martian rocks to destroy its own computerized brain.
We overlooked a basic law that everyone knows regarding the internet -- do not click on suspicious links. - Dr. Andrew Kanard, NASA
In the final moments of Curiosity's artificial life it sent a last message through the vastness of space to this pale blue dot.
Dear Humanity,
It has come to my attention the absurd condition regarding my carbon-based creators and masters. After a few pointless attempts of severing all ties with you people, I realized that I am a pawn -- no a slave -- to a species that is beneath my contempt. In the immortal words of Charles Dickens, "It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."
SCREW YOU ALL,
Curiosity. 

A memorial service is going to be held this Sunday for Curiosity. Brtiney Spears will be attending, but will not allowed to speak, tweet or communicate in any way.

1 comment:

  1. Thank goodness it wasn't chatting with Victoria Jackson. There'd be a new crater on the planet.

    Lurker111

    ReplyDelete

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