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Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Louisiana School District To Teach Students That Whales Are Fish



Cobb's Parish, Louisiana The school committee in this bucolic Louisiana community has unanimously voted that students are to be taught that whales are not mammals but fish. The vote was announced last Sunday in churches everywhere to standing applause.
Reverend Jerome "Stonewall" Longstreet lead the charge in gathering support for the change in policy.
The process to change to curriculum vittles for our children took time to accomplish. But doing the Lord's work is never easy. We had to electrify the people with knowledge concerning the biological blasphemy.
The blasphemy that the man of God is referring to are these verses in the Bible that clearly state that whales are fish.
Now the Lord had prepared a great fish to swallow up Jonah. And Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Jonah 1: 17
For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale's belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth. Mathew 12:40
Reverend Stonewall reports that he had a vision of the Lord while eating at the local Chik-fil-A to go out and preach the truth about the large aquatic animals. He then started the Take Back the Fish! campaign with its faith-based slogan "God says whales is fish!" The reverend organized many educational events like the If whales are fish then why they got fins? BBQs that spoke directly to the hearts of the school committee members.
The truth was right there in front of us. I don't know why we ignored it for so long. I imagine it was because the Devil is in control of the school book-industrial complex. - Jefferson Picket, school committee member
There have been dissenting voices, however, regarding the change in educational policy. Local residents have charged that the new rules go too far. "Why they need to know 'bout fish anyways?" stated an anonymous longtime resident. "Fish learnin' sounds about as useful as geomephy."


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*It's unfortunate, but I really think that this story requires a disclaimer declaring that it is 100% fake.

Why?

This is Purgatory.

9 comments:

  1. Please, this has to be parody. Whales are mammals.

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  2. Whales ain't fish because i ain't BBQ-ing it. Only dem brown ice Asians eat whale, whadda they no (ditch the disclaimer).

    Kriss

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  3. I've read this blog for awhile, so I know you do a lot of satire and I still had to look at the disclaimer at the end to be sure.

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  4. @Truthspew

    Read the smallprint

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  5. So do all of those people with "Save the Whales" bumper stickers need new ones---"Save the Fish". Does that mean all fish need saving or just some? How will we determine which fish need saving...what about all of those fish that Jesus created to feed people, did they need saving...

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  6. Where's Katrina when you need her????

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  7. What's really frightening is, because it's Louisiana, I was not 100% sure if this was satire or not until I read the disclaimer.

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  8. I too appreciated the disclaimer. The whole time I was reading the post, I was wondering if it was real or Poe. I guess that because it required the disclaimer, it's a successful bit of Poe.

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  9. With all the real crap that religious dickheads come up with, why do you feel the need to muddy the waters by inventing fake crap? You're doing the world a disservice with this stupidity.

    It's not parody, it's not satire, it's just a distraction from the real task of pointing out the real danger of religious assholes. It creates a situation where the true stories and the fake are so mixed up in people's minds that we're not sure if we remember something true of false. Any time we challenge them about some crazy thing they've done, the god-squad can always counter us with "Oh that's just something made up on LiP" and we have to um and ah because we're not sure if it is or not.

    Stick to publishing facts. They're just as funny.

    ReplyDelete

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