Sunday, July 22, 2012

The Jesus Games

Jesus, after doing the highest high-jump ever.

Petersburg, Kentucky Answers in Genesis (AiG), the organization behind the Creation Museum and the proposed Ark Encounter theme park, announced today the first annual Jesus Games. The Jesus Games, much like the Olympics, will be a series of contests between amateur competitors from around the globe.

"The Jesus Games are intended not only to showcase the skills of the players, but to illustrate biblically based principles", stated Games coordinator, Effie Trinket. "I believe that the Holy Spirit will reach out and touch the hearts of the tributes [competitors] as well as everyone watching the events. When I shout out 'May you ever be in God's favor' at the beginning of the Games, I know I will be doing His work."

AiG has released four of the faith-based competitions the tributes will be engaged in.

Mustard Seed vs. Mountain Tributes will be laden with seventy-five pounds of mustard seeds in a race up to the top of Black Mountain (elevation 4,145 ft above sea level).

Ordeal by Fire Hearkening back to the Golden Age of Christianity, otherwise known as the Dark Ages, tributes will test their faith by walking the traditional 9 feet while holding a red hot iron. Once completed the wounds will be bandaged. Three days later local ministers will observe which athlete has healed the most. If any tribute's hands have festering wounds, an obvious sign of an unclean spirit, then they will be taking a starring role in...

Tributes will need to
pray for the strength of
The Weight Throw This event merges the traditional Highland game and  the Old Testament's love for stoning sinners. Tributes who have been unfaithful to the Lord will become moving targets in this event. Athletes faithful to Jesus will be given a ball and chain -- 22 lbs for men/16 lbs for women --  and will need to throw the weapon and hit the sinners, who will be confined to a small area.

The Cross Toss This is a hybrid of the caber toss, another Highland game, and Chrstianity. Tributes will carry and then hurl a 19 foot tall, 175 pound cross upside down and pray that it lands at the correct 12 o'clock position directly in front of them.

*The caber toss. Imagine the Cross Toss to be, well,
with a cross and without a man in a dress.

"The Jesus Games will be great fun for the entire family," Effie Trinket stated. "We will also be giving out five dollar off coupons for the Creation Museum as well as a special tour of the 800  acre site where the Ark Encounter will eventually be built. As an extra bonus, visitors will be be able to donate money towards the 24.5 million dollars needed for the theme park to become a reality. So far Jesus' friends have only donated 7.5 million; Jesus' friends need to pay up."

*Thanks Wikipedia


  1. It's a little sad that I briefly considered the possibility that this might not be satire...

    1. I will consider that to be a compliment, sir.

    2. Absolutely. Good satire should reel you in before it crosses the border of credibility.

  2. It can't be any worse than this:

    And note the idolatry in the video.

    1. Duuude, I just saw that. Did you notice that there were a lot of white people mucking about? Scary.


Google+ Badge

Pageviews last month