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Saturday, July 14, 2012

Joe Paterno To Be Made A Saint

Joe Paterno, once head coach of Penn State's football team, is officially on the fast track of becoming a Catholic saint. The news was announced by none other than Pope Benedict XVI during mass.
Joe Paterno, who was lovingly known as "JoePa" to his team, fans, and alumni was called back to God's loving embrace this past January. In light of JoePa's life long dedication to Catholic principles, I have placed him on the fastest possible path to sainthood.
Typically the path to becoming a saint takes years. First, the person in question is given the title: Servant of God. All potential saints are given this title as Catholic officials investigate his or her life. Second, if the person has lived what is considered Heroic Virtue, then he or she is given the title venerable. Third, evidence for a miracle needs to be presented to the pope. The pope then decides whether or not the applicant is worthy to be beautified. If so, then the pope makes the happy announcement to the throngs in Vatican City. The final stage is canonization, where the pope determines the legitimacy of another miracle. If all goes well the Church will have a new saint in its ranks.

"If you're looking for miracles, Joe Paterno supplied them in spades," said Bill McDonohue of the Catholic Association. "The man had 409 wins under his belt, inducted into the College Football Hall of Fame, and was the head of five undefeated teams that won bowl championships. Beaver Stadium, where the Penn State boys play, was expanded six times while he was in charge -- that's just like Jesus feeding the multitude with a few fish and some loaves of bread."

Pope Benedict XVI is to make the official proclamation of Paterno's canonization in November. Vatican City is preparing to ensure the safety of the thousands of  servile Catholics who will be attending the event. One of the reasons why Paterno will be named at that time is to prepare the Catholic world for a big announcement in December. An anonymous source deep in the Vatican had this to report about the mystery.
The real reason why JoePa is getting canonized in November is that Jerry Sandusky is going to be named as a candidate for sainthood in December. Placing a person on the sainthood track while he is still alive is unheard of, but Jerry really epitomizes the core values of the Catholic Church. Pope Benedict is making the announcement on Christmas because of Jerry's love of children.  


  1. I fear that both the Catholic church and the Penn State fiasco are beyond satirization. :/


    1. This piece is actually in response to an article The Onion did on Joe Paterno roasting in Hell. I didn't think the Onion did the subject matter justice, so I took a swing at it. Maybe it is beyond satirization -- I don't know.

  2. Ah, satire. And so appropriate given the circumstances. Not so satirical is the possible fact that "JoePa" is just joining a number of other saints who condoned similar episodes while they spread the RC message to all the little children.

  3. The bastard shoulda had to been buried in a prison cemetery.

    1. I couldn't agree more. The creeps in charge of Penn State who were involved need to suffer, too.

  4. Satire aside, In the eyes of Penn State alumni I think he is already a saint. Apparently we live in a country where football is more important than the well being of our children. Penn states response is to refurbish the locker room and showers where the abuse took place, awesome Penn State, that makes it all better now.

  5. If Mother Teresa, why not Paterno and Sandusky?


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