WASHINGTON -- Patriotic atheists gathered today deep in our nation's capital to celebrate the birth of their own super PAC: APAC.
APAC is intended to financially support candidates, regardless of political affiliation, who protect the separation of church and state, atheist rights in the workplace as well as placing Carl Sagan's face on Mount Rushmore. APAC will also lead the way in fighting South Carolina's recent outlawing of evolution, Texas' banning of anyone deemed thinking "outside the Christian box", and the state law in Arkansas that prevents atheists from speaking to any underage child about Richard Dawkins, the famous biologist and atheist.
Sources within APAC say that contributions are not flowing into the organization. Although prominent atheists have contributed all of their book royalties, APAC can't even afford its letter writing campaign against the Catholic Church's continued insistence that it has any moral standing in US society. Due to the lack of funds, APAC interns are forced to prank call bishops
and ask them if they consider CCD (Catholic youth education) a cheaper alternative to paying for underage prostitutes.
"We aim to be the political home for atheists, agnostics, brights, humanists -- anyone who doesn't believe in faith-based utter bullshit," stated Andrew Kanard, head of APAC. "This super PAC will enable the reason-based community to politely, but loudly proclaim that America is not simply a refuge for people stuck in the Bronze Age."
Currently APAC does not support any Republican candidate. In fact, the one out -of -the-closet politician, representative Pete Stark (D-Cal) may be losing his seat come November. "We don't have any money in our budget to support Pete at this time," stated Mr Kanard, "but we took an office pool and got him a gift card to T.H.I. Friday's." (Thank Hitchens It's Friday's is the non-sexist, non-superstitious version of T.G.I. Friday's).
Bill Donahue, of the Catholic League, had this to say about APAC,
I wouldn't bring any children near atheists; they're a bunch of perps.