Thursday, June 14, 2012

Local Clergy Ecstatic About New Orleans' Delta Times Closing

New Orleans -- home of local faith-based news.

New Orleans, Louisiana is having its premiere newspaper the Delta Times go from printing the paper seven days a week down to three, and the local clergy are very excited. "Sure, the paper has been a mainstay in the city for over a hundred and fifty years," stated local Baptist minister Jacob Cain, "but times change and if you don't change with the times you gonna die." (The minister quickly added that the comment should not be read as endorsing that "northerner evolution" theory.)

The Delta Times has been facing decreasing readership as well as lower revenues from advertisers in recent years. The management team has had to make difficult decisions in the past. In 2004 the Times replaced the unfunny Family Circus comic strip with a less expensive, trashier and possibly less funny (if that is possible) comic called Kardashian Kaos. The weather team was scrapped in 2008 and replaced with a column titled Views from Lou's 3rd story window which featured intern Lou Jackson's concise analysis of the sky condition as seen from his studio apartment. However, the column was short lived since Lou failed to understand that "sucky" is not a weather condition.

Minister Cain is hopeful that the local churches will fill the gap and supply the news for the citizens of New Orleans. "What we got here is ALL the news you gonna need," he said brandishing a Bible. "And know what? It be good news, too."

Minister Cain has formed a Christ-centered, faith-based news organization with other local churches to supply fair and balanced reporting. "We call it The News Confederacy, and our purpose is focus on issues that our readership want to know about. We have Minister Adams writing about Obama-fascism. We have a team of ministers working the Godless Un-American column featuring in depth reporting on gays, Jews and Hollywood. We got a streamlined the Food section and got it all dedicated to gravy"

Needless to say, there will be no Science section.


  1. "News Confederacy"? But of course... it had to be Confederacy, didn't it.


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