Thursday, June 28, 2012

Jesus Vision Goggles Are Now Available!

Jesus Vision Goggles and helmet shown with optional
Air from the Holy Land mask

The Jesus Technology Initiative, the cutting edge center for Christ-based tech, is bringing to market an invaluable tool for ministers, missionaries or even stay at home moms: Jesus Vision Goggles (JVG).  JVGs have been designed to ensure that temptation does not get in the way of your salvation.

The JVG is made up of two units. The first are the goggles themselves which have been designed to give the wearer a clear and enhanced image. Put away those clunky glasses and stay away from  unnecessary eye surgery because these goggles will give you perfect vision. The second piece to the JVG system is the Dogma Helm. In it is housed an artificial intelligence with the collective wisdom of thousands of Christian scholars and, of course, God's favorite Bible: the New International Version. The Dogma Helm also has audio receptors that ensure clean and clear Christian hearing.

The way the JVG works is simple. Images of the sin filled world filter through the goggles and into the Helm. These images are then categorized as either holy or sinful. Holy images are given a soft halo for the user while the sinful ones are given a short biblically based comment.

For example,

the original painting is without any halos around Jesus and the disciples. Note how the AI is able to pick out Judas and leave him without one.

But say you're walking down the street and are assaulted by the homosexual cabal that is undermining our great nation.

This writer apologizes for your inconvenience.

The program in the Dogma Helm will take this disgusting image and will drop some biblical wisdom on it.

A similar process is used for filtering audio. Say that you're talking to some atheist who is damned and completely shut off from the fruits of the spirit.

 The original statement from the heathen,

Exceptional claims require exceptional evidence.

is transformed into,

Jesus is Lord!

The one drawback to the JVG is that there is a two minute gap between the time that the sensory data enters the unit to when the user gets the new and improved information. Caution should be exercised while crossing streets, operating machinery or any other task that requires the wearer to be in the real world.

*Thanks for the sinful image.

1 comment:

  1. Seriously though, if you marketed that, I bet you could find people credulous enough to buy it!


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