|Beware the Third Law|
This is the letter read to the parishioners of the Blefuscu congregation this past weekend.
The Archdioceses of Blefuscu echoes the concerns raised by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) over Johannes Kepler's Third Law of Planetary Motion. We advise every Catholic to write or call his or her legislator to ensure that this pernicious so-called "scientific law" is overturned as soon as possible.
This Third Law of Planetary Motion states: The square of the orbital period of a planet is directly proportional to the cube of the semi-major axis of its orbit. This edict from the scientific elites clearly is an affront to the official Church dogma of: The square of the orbital period of a planet is directly proportional to the cube of the major axis of its orbit. Due to the secular law scores of Catholic students who majored in Astronomy and/or Cosmology are discriminated against by the pro-semi-major axis powers. These Catholic would-be Astronomers and Cosmologists are forced to take positions in Astrology and Cosmetology.
What is America without its constitutional guarantees for religious liberty? The First Amendment clearly states: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. The Archdiocese of Blefuscu commands its parishioners to stand firm in the face of Kepler's Third Law. If they don't they shall surely burn in hell for eternity.
It needs to be noted that while the Third Law is plainly the anti-Catholic, Kepler's First and Second Laws of Planetary Motion have been sanctified by Pope Benedict XVI. Feel free to continue acknowledging the elliptical shape of our planet's orbit as well as the fact that our planet sweeps out equal areas over equal times in its orbital path.
Peace be with you.