The Jesus gene has been discovered. Earlier today Professor Andrew Canard from Kentucky's Country Creek College made the announcement. "I am happy to say that the companion of the God gene (VMA2) has been discovered. Gene VMA1 is responsible for placing Jesus into the heart of every man, woman and child." Professor Canard later had to retract his statement that VMA1 is the companion to VMA2, and that both genes are consubstantial, meaning that the two genes share the same substance and that one is not superior to the other.
The VMA1 gene is responsible for a small chemical pump located in the pineal gland, which is located deep in the brain by the thalmic bodies. "This pump releases élan vital (otherwise known as lysergic acid diethylamide) into the higher cortical regions of our brain and allows Jesus Christ to guide and minister to every individual," stated Professor Canard. He continued to say that the pineal gland has been widely understood for centuries to be the nexus point where body and spirit meet. It was no surprise that VMA1 works its magic there.
The Jesus gene explains how every person instinctively knows that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Even when an individual has the unfortunate luck to have been born in a non-Christian society he or she still has VMA1 pumping élan vital. This intelligently designed gene gives that person a chance to know Jesus and escape eternal hellfire.
"Of course, there will be people who refuse to acknowledge what divine truth that VMA1 is communicating to them," Professor Canard explained. "Regardless of how powerful the gene is expressed there will be people who close their heart to Jesus. Further research is needed to explore this phenomenon. What is interesting, however, is how liberal Christians seem to only have partial expression of the gene -- in other words the liberal Christian gets the message of Jesus Christ wrong. Instead of knowing a Jesus dedicated to banning gay marriage and protecting the Second Amendment, the liberal Christian suffers from the delusion that our savior is some kind of hippie."
When pressed that many prominent biologists, such as PZ Myers, will shoot down the notion that one gene is capable of orchestrating the complexity of behaviors known as Christianity Professor Canard replied, "It strikes me that Professor Myer's pineal gland has been malfunctioning for years If you don't have the faith, how can you know the truth?"