Friday, May 18, 2012

The Jesus Gene Has Been Discovered

Professor Canard


The Jesus gene has been discovered.  Earlier today Professor Andrew Canard from Kentucky's Country Creek College made the announcement. "I am happy to say that the companion of the God gene (VMA2) has been discovered. Gene VMA1 is responsible for placing Jesus into the heart of every man, woman and child." Professor Canard later had to retract his statement that VMA1 is the companion to VMA2, and that both genes are consubstantial, meaning that the two genes share the same substance and that one is not superior to the other.


The VMA1 gene is responsible for a small chemical pump located in the pineal gland, which is located deep in the brain by the thalmic bodies. "This pump releases élan vital (otherwise known as lysergic acid diethylamide) into the higher cortical regions of our brain and allows Jesus Christ to guide and minister to every individual," stated Professor Canard. He continued to say that the pineal gland has been widely understood for centuries to be the nexus point where body and spirit meet. It was no surprise that VMA1 works its magic there.



The Jesus gene explains how every person instinctively knows that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Even when an individual has the unfortunate luck to have been born in a non-Christian society he or she still has VMA1 pumping élan vital. This intelligently designed gene gives that person a chance to know Jesus and escape eternal hellfire.

"Of course, there will be people who refuse to acknowledge what divine truth that VMA1 is communicating to them," Professor Canard explained. "Regardless of how powerful the gene is expressed there will be people who close their heart to Jesus.  Further research is needed to explore this phenomenon. What is interesting, however, is how liberal Christians seem to only have partial expression of the gene -- in other words the liberal Christian gets the message of Jesus Christ wrong. Instead of knowing a Jesus dedicated to banning gay marriage and protecting the Second Amendment, the liberal Christian suffers from the delusion that our savior is some kind of hippie."

When pressed that many prominent biologists, such as PZ Myers, will shoot down the notion that one gene is capable of orchestrating the complexity of behaviors known as Christianity Professor Canard replied, "It strikes me that Professor Myer's pineal gland has been malfunctioning for years If you don't have the faith, how can you know the truth?"





  

11 comments:

  1. More "bullshit" . The devil on my right shoulder is fighting with the angel on my left one. Who wants to punch this guy out?

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  2. 'Canard' means 'duck' in French. Quack, quack, quack!

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    1. Here is another meaning for the word.
      From the Merriam-Webster dictionary - CANARD. 1. a: a false or unfounded report or story; especially: a fabricated report b: a groundless rumor or belief

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  3. Replies
    1. Thanks. I don't know if you noticed it, but I used a picture of Gregor Mendel for Professor Canard.

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  4. Great! Now that they've found it, can we start instituting some sort of "Christian Reparative Therapy" in order to cure it?!?

    XD

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    Replies
    1. It would have to be Christian Reparative Gene Therapy.

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  5. AH.....so there IS an explanation for this Christian delusion that is so rampant in what should be an intelligent, bullshit detecting society. Glory! May they be healed!!!!

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  6. lysergic acid diethylamide :) yep LSD that sounds about right.

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  7. Christianity has been around for 2000 years...unmmmm...sooooo...yea

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  8. Gregor Mendel in the pic... hahahaha! excellant stuff... very witty...

    If so many folks hadn't done the spoiler alert (including me) I'd be forwarding a load of dingbat Christians here.

    ReplyDelete

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