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Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Christian Reparative Gene Therapy



A group of researchers at Piltdown University have announced a breakthrough in gene therapy that will treat the pernicious genetic disorder known as Speculatio Sarcalogos. This genetic disorder is the source of misery for hundreds of millions worldwide and throughout history. The cause of Speculatio Sarcalogos is the mutation found in gene VMA1, which is responsible for a small chemical pump found in the pineal gland found deep in the brain. The mutation of VMA1 causes this chemical pump to deliver to the higher cortical regions élan vital. When élan vital is delivered to the areas of the brain responsible for logical thought, the substance wreaks havoc. Patients suffer from a variety of symptoms: hearing voices that are attributed to angels, saints or God, speaking nonsensically, hatred of homosexuals, violent behavior and a thought disorder that prevents an individual from realizing that they have a problem (similar to the Dunning -Krugger effect).

"I can't state how much this new therapy is a game changer," said Dr. Charles Dawson PhD, who led the multinational research team. "Speculatio Sarcalogos has been the cause of countless wars, particularly in the Middle Ages and during the Reformation. This illness will soon be eradicated by simply getting a shot in the arm. We are living in exciting times."

Christian Reparative Gene Therapy, as the new procedure is known by, uses an Adenviridae virus that has had a functioning VMA1 gene spliced into it. The area of the viral gene that has the VMA1 in it is called the vector. The altered virus is sent into the bloodstream of the patient where the virus finds the appropriate brain cells in the pineal gland and injects the functioning form of VMAI into them. The maladaptive gene is then replaced.



So far only a handful of patients have been treated with Christian Reparative Gene Therapy. However, these patients have had very impressive results.

Here is a before and after picture of one patient.

Before treatment

Before treatment Patient X displayed the classic symptoms
 of Speculatio Sarcalogos


After treatment


Patient X is now a productive member of society.

8 comments:

  1. Now this is a really funny one! How I wish we could find what it is that makes people rabidly religious and breed it out of the population.

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  2. I choked on a pretzel when I got to the pic of Dawkins...that is funny! What is not funny is how close to mental illness religion really is...yet somehow if everyone is "doing it" it doesn't get classified that way...

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    1. Thanks. I've been toying around with the formula on these faux stories and think I got it right on this one.

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  3. Fascinating. Brace yourself for all of the whinging from Christians claiming this is so very mean. Most of them will be the sort who think it's perfectly acceptable to demand gay people be subjected to "reparative therapy" and be denied equal rights because God says so.

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  4. That was really funny. This reminded me of the "God Helmet" invented by Stanley Koren.

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  5. Sorry, but when I saw the picture of the "Gene therapy," I kept thinking, "Remember, Ender...the enemy's gate is down!"

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  6. Nice shout out to Dunning-Krugger. One of my faves.

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