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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Robotic Priests, Rabbis, Ministers and Imams Are In Our Near Future




Coming soon to a church near you.


In the not so distant future marriages, bar mitzvahs and Sunday morning religious services will be officiated by robots says Professor Andrew Canard, Chief Theologian at the prestigious Theological Institute of Technology (TIT).

"The role robots play have been growing exponentially in the last few years. The military uses them to detonate bombs. Robots are used in warehouses to move goods. Of course, the vacuum-bot has become a feature in many households. In lieu of the ever increasing role of our mechanised assistants it was only a matter of time before we developed the faith-bot," Professor Canard explained.


An early attempt at robotic Mormons
The faith-bot is going to fill a hole in the religious labor force. Priests, ministers and rabbis are in demand, but there are few human beings willing to put in the long hours, low pay and cognitive dissonance needed to translate religious messages that were written thousands of years ago for today's worshipper. "For example," explained Professor Canard, "a human being finds it emotionally taxing to reconcile an all-knowing, all-powerful deity who is the definition of good with a God that goes about killing Egyptian babies and ordering the Amalekite genocide. Robots have no moral sense and have no problems dealing with such issues."

The faith-bots are going to be physically anthropomorphic so that their carbon-based flock will feel right at home. Every bot is going to possess the same mechanical infrastructure, but will be given a veneer relative to what faith the bot is destined to serve. "The hasidic-bot will be equipped with peyes, uncut sideburns, while the Southern Baptist-bot is going to have eyes that bulge wildly at the appropriate times while giving a sermon," Professor Canard said with some pride.

When asked if the faith-bots were going to have Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics programmed into them, Professor Canard replied with a strong No. "The first law clearly states: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. How could a Catholic-bot fight against gay marriage or an Islamic-bot preach about infidels going to hell for eternity while conforming to that ridiculous law; it's absurd to even consider it," Professor Canard replied disdainfully

Full production of the faith-bots are still in the future. Current prototypes from different faiths engage in relentless bot-on-bot violence. Until that minor glitch is resolved the faithful will need to wait before receiving services from their mechanical men of God.

12 comments:

  1. Will the Catholic Church require that all of their "faith-bots" have male genitalia? Just curious...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The faith-bot priests will be male, but properly neutered. This will create an interesting debate on what to do with the carbon based priests along the lines of "If they're not really using the genitalia to begin with, why not get rid of it?

      Delete
  2. Dam "they" hijacked love, spirituality, goodness and now robots. Is there no end. "woe is me, woe is me," Alfalfa form Our Gang, the Little Rascals.

    Kriss

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good one, Andy!

    Will the Mormon bots come equipped with sets of magic underwear? Just wonderin'....

    ReplyDelete
  4. You can't be serious. If this isn't a Poe, then I'm a little scared at the Professor's almost blunt honesty about his willingness to have less compassion than a robot.

    "When asked if the faith-bots were going to have Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics programmed into them, Professor Canard replied with a strong No. "The first law clearly states: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. How could a Catholic-bot fight against gay marriage or an Islamic-bot preach about infidels going to hell for eternity while conforming to that ridiculous law; it's absurd to even consider it," Professor Canard replied disdainfully"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This just isn't any Poe, it's probably the best I've ever written.

      Here is the definition of canard:
      1.An unfounded or false, deliberately misleading story.

      I hope you enjoyed the story.

      Delete
  5. I thought we already had god-bots. The trolls on forums and the door to door amateur salespeople who keep repeating the same buybull verses over and over, and pay no attention at all to what non-believers have to say in rebuttal.

    Of course they don't have Asimov's robots' positronic brains, and they do have to eat, sleep, and excrete...but they do have some similarities to actual robots.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ha ha! reminds me of that Douglas Adams book with the electric monk... was it the long dark teatime of the soul?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Will the faith bots be carbon neutral? Are they recycl..le..able? Robots are very literal things, so will they be able to submit to a battery operated life of faith filled lies and childish nonsense? How long will the batteries last? Are they rechargable?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I doubt the religious will care if their faith-bots are environementally friendly. After all, their carbon based ones are very toxic.

      Delete

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