Robotic Priests, Rabbis, Ministers and Imams Are In Our Near Future

Coming soon to a church near you.

In the not so distant future marriages, bar mitzvahs and Sunday morning religious services will be officiated by robots says Professor Andrew Canard, Chief Theologian at the prestigious Theological Institute of Technology (TIT).

"The role robots play have been growing exponentially in the last few years. The military uses them to detonate bombs. Robots are used in warehouses to move goods. Of course, the vacuum-bot has become a feature in many households. In lieu of the ever increasing role of our mechanised assistants it was only a matter of time before we developed the faith-bot," Professor Canard explained.

An early attempt at robotic Mormons

The faith-bot is going to fill a hole in the religious labor force. Priests, ministers and rabbis are in demand, but there are few human beings willing to put in the long hours, low pay and cognitive dissonance needed to translate religious messages that were written thousands of years ago for today's worshipper. "For example," explained Professor Canard, "a human being finds it emotionally taxing to reconcile an all-knowing, all-powerful deity who is the definition of good with a God that goes about killing Egyptian babies and ordering the Amalekite genocide. Robots have no moral sense and have no problems dealing with such issues."

The faith-bots are going to be physically anthropomorphic so that their carbon-based flock will feel right at home. Every bot is going to possess the same mechanical infrastructure, but will be given a veneer relative to what faith the bot is destined to serve. "The hasidic-bot will be equipped with peyes, uncut sideburns, while the Southern Baptist-bot is going to have eyes that bulge wildly at the appropriate times while giving a sermon," Professor Canard said with some pride.

When asked if the faith-bots were going to have Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics programmed into them, Professor Canard replied with a strong No. "The first law clearly states: A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. How could a Catholic-bot fight against gay marriage or an Islamic-bot preach about infidels going to hell for eternity while conforming to that ridiculous law; it's absurd to even consider it," Professor Canard replied disdainfully

Full production of the faith-bots are still in the future. Current prototypes from different faiths engage in relentless bot-on-bot violence. Until that minor glitch is resolved the faithful will need to wait before receiving services from their mechanical men of God.