The Higgs boson particle has been discovered. Andrew Canard, the lead metaphysicist at the Theological Institute of Technology (TIT) and past recipient of the prestigious Templeton Prize, made the announcement to a room that included scientists, science journalists as well as religious bloggers from the Huffington Post.
"As many of you are aware our team of priests, imams, rabbis, ministers, TV evangelists, street preachers, shamans and witch doctors have been working on finding the Higgs boson particle, otherwise known as the God particle, for quite some time. Ladies and gentlemen, the particle revealed itself to us. Case closed, problem solved."
The room fell silent. The science professionals looked on with a mixture of confusion while the religious bloggers looked at each other with an air of smug superiority.
Mr Canard stepped away from the podium when Alfred Shankland from the Science Times rose and asked this question. "Um, I wasn't aware that TIT had a supercolider that could smash elementary particles together near the speed of light in order to find evidence of the existence of the Higgs boson."
"Didn't you hear him? The particle revealed itself," hissed a blogger.
"Sit down you nob, you're embarrassing yourself," said another from the Huff Post.
Mr Canard returned to the stand, obviously a bit miffed.
"Even though this is out of the ordinary I'm going to open up the room to questions."
A flurry of hands rose from scientists and science journalists while the religious looked at them with derision.
"Anyone, anyone at all?" Mr Canard asked.
Finally, a single hand from a religious blogger was raised.
"Yes, you there."
"How did the particle reveal its splendor to you?"
"After having open debate amongst our team on the Higgs boson and exactly how the particle is a manifestation of the Higgs field --which gives all subatomic particles mass --we discovered that we were at an impasse. There could be no resolution to the discussion," Mr Canard stated.
"What ever did you do?" asked the blogger.
"We got together in lecture room 359 and had Skippy, one of our janitors, lock us in the room until we all came to an agreement on the nature of the Higgs boson. It took a few days, but we finally came up with a document that everyone could sign off on. We are calling this divinely inspired event the Council of Room 359."
"Could you at least read the document?" a scientist asked.
"Certainly," Mr Canard opened his folder. "Here is our Article of Faith concerning Higgs boson: 'I believe that the Higgs boson is a particle derived from the Higgs field, a universal invisible force that could have only been created by the Almighty. The particle has a particular weight only known to the Creator of the Universe and that we paltry humans shouldn't go mucking about in His business.'"
The room exploded in the thunderous applause from the Huffington Posts' religious bloggers. The scientists and science journalists were less excited. Some sobbed quietly, while others eventually needed paramedics to be called in due to the shock from the news.
There has been no response from the research team at CERN.