Thursday, January 19, 2012

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Say To A Minister

A liberal Christian buddy of mine placed this video on his Facebook page and I think it warrants a response.

Ahem, it seems that the video has now become private, so only a special few can see it. I'm not surprised. The video consisted of cutesy Gosh, aren't ministers awesome and they really have to deal with stoopid questions comical(?) bits.

Regardless, here is the Top Ten List Of What I'd Like To Say To A Minister.

10. When you read the Bible, how do you know which parts are utter bullsh*t?

9. Seeing that you can't prove your religion is true, how did you pick your faith? Is it similar to choosing chocolate versus vanilla ice cream, in the sense you just go with your gut? Or were you lucky enough to be born into the one "true" faith?

8. So, if Jesus is part of the Trinity, does that mean he was really into the slaughter of the Canaanites, or did he look the other way?

7. I have a friend who is Jewish and says you people screwed up quite a bit with translating their book.

6. One third of Americans don't think Mormonism is a branch of Christianity. What do you think?

5. I'm not spiritual and I'm not religious. Somehow I'm able to be a happy, productive member of society. Go figure.

4. Hey, I read Job and God's answer to the question of Why do bad things happen to good people? seems to be Sit down and shut the F*ck up.

The LORD said to Job:
2 “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”
3 Then Job answered the LORD:
4 “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”
6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:
7 “Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
8 “Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God’s,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at all who are proud and bring them low,
12 look at all who are proud and humble them,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.
Job 40: 1-14
(It goes on like that for a while...)

3. Say you had invested a huge amount of time and energy into worshipping Thor or Allah, how would you know that you have wasted all that time praying to a fictional character?

2. So, since you value faith over reason (otherwise you'd be agnostic) do you use faith-based epiphanies over facts when making major purchases like buying a car, a refrigerator, or a house?  Why not?

1. You know, it isn't too late to go back to school to get a degree in a field that will let you help people without filling their heads with superstition.

Feel free to add your own.


  1. If God told you to stop giving to charity, do you think it would mean giving to charity is evil, or that God is evil?

    If God told you to rob graves instead, do you think it would mean that robbing graves is good, or that God is evil?

    (If "God wouldn't tell me to do that")

    Who are you to declare what God would or wouldn't do?

  2. Good list. BTW, the video is private, nobody can watch it. :)

    1. That's weird. Maybe they changed the status of the video once they found out an atheist was riffing on it.


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