Top Ten Reasons Why I'm Happy To Be An Atheist

Reflecting on the BIG
questions.

I was reading through Blue Collar Atheist's Ten Reasons I'm glad I'm an Atheist, and I thought Wow, what a nice guy. For example, he has for  his number 10 reason I get to have friends who are bright, funny, rational, thoughtful individualists. His number 5 reason is not worrying about going to Hell. And his other reasons were fairly prudent too. He seems to be a nice, responsible person.

My reasons why I'm happy I'm an atheist are not soooo, let's say, noble. Or prudent.
Here they are.

Feeling good!

10. Guilt. Free. Masturbation. When I initially discovered this forbidden fruit I was young and quite concerned about going to Hell for doing this *sinful act. My solution to the problem? Not to masturbate on Sundays. Somehow I thought that God wouldn't damn me so much if I didn't wank it on His day. Needless to say, I looked forward to Mondays. A lot.

9. I like drinking to excess. How many of us who were brought up Christian had this drilled into our heads?

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. 1 Corinthians 19-20

Guess what? My body and I have found that drinking is awesome. We're sticking to that.

In the zombie apocalypse WWJD?

8. I'm not a punk. Where I come from this would be the definition of a punk.

If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Luke 6:29

Now, some of you may be thinking I'm calling all Christians punk. I'm not. I don't know of any Christian who lives by this rule. Believe me, I tried it when I was a kid, and discovered it was a sure fire way of getting my ass kicked and left without a cloak.

What I am saying is that if you think you are a Christian and not a punk, then you are doing one of those two things wrong.

7. Guilt. Free. Masturbation. Revisit #1 in case you need further clarification.

6. I can play any fantasy role playing game I damn well want. I played a lot of Dungeons and Dragons, Traveller, and Marvel Super Heroes, when I was a kid, but guess what? Jesus wanted to ruin my fun. It seems that playing a character who is a hobbit fighting goblins and orcs would most likely send me to Hell. Screw you Jesus, if I want Bobo (truly original, eh?) to stab an ogre with his +4 short sword, then that's what's going to happen.

Not gonna happen.

5.  Guilt free porn consumption.  'nuff said

There is some freaky shit going on in this book.

4. My sexuality isn't all fucked up. Do you know how to mess up a person's sense of their own sexuality? The Bible. I still don't know what happened after Adam and Eve had kids. How did the race perpetuate itself? Did Cain and Abel have to draw straws to see who would get the chance to biblically know their own mom or sister? Maybe that's the real reason why Cain was so angry -- a guy shouldn't have to think about asking Mom out for a date on Saturday night.

3. I love sloth. Sloth, as many of you already know, is a considered to be one of the 7 Deadly Sins. I love sloth. In fact, as I'm writing this I'm in my sweatpants, and what says sloth like wearing sweatpants on a Wednesday morning at 11AM? In fact, if I didn't have "things" to do last Sunday I would have spent the entire day watching the Marx Brothers marathon at the Brattle Theatre. (Never fear, I did get to catch Duck Soup on the big screen.)

Saying OMG! will cause you to
go to H-E-L-L!

2. I like taking the Lord's name in vain. I like to show my rebellious side by throwing out an irreverent OMG! at times. Sure, most Christians don't understand that's a sin, but most Christians don't read the Bible, either.

I likes to has me a laugh.

1. Atheists have better comedians.

*As the old saying goes there are two kinds of people when it comes to masturbation: Those who say they do it and liars.