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I've been reflecting on how Rick Santorum has been crowned the great Christian hope to fight off the polytheist threat of Mitt Romney. (For those of you not in the know, Mormons believe that if they are very, very good they can become a god and get their own planet after they die. I would actually convert to Mormonism if I could get my own planet sans the dying part.) But what would Rick Santorum do if he ever won the presidency?
Peering into my crystal ball of absurdity I have gleaned Mr Sanrotum's to-do list.
Every Friday will be a Flagellation Friday
What says traditional Catholic morality than whipping oneself into a bloody religious furor? Just as Christ was supposedly whipped mercilessly, Catholics throughout history have practiced the mortification of the flesh to get closer to the all-loving Jesus. Though flagellation is neither common nor practiced in a severe fashion amongst Catholics in America, President Santorum will show us all how it's done by bringing in some missionaries from the Philippines. Here is a video from those islands during Holy Week where the adherents are very busy whipping themselves.
And yes, atheists will be included in Flagellation Fridays. We will take the place of those people on the ground.
Godzilla will be renamed Jesusilla
President Santorum will know that America is a Godly country. And not just any God either. America is all about Yahweh. We're not one nation under Allah, and Ganesh, the Hindu god with an elephant's head, is not the the deity referenced on our money. In that vein movie goers must know that the God in Godzilla is not some made up fictional character. No. To clear up the matter Godzilla will me renamed to Jesusilla.
OMG! will be illegal.
Using the Lord's name in vain is clearly wrong. President Santorum will command the FBI to troll the internet, monitor playgrounds, and eavesdrop in private conversations to make sure this forgotten commandment is not broken.
The Dark Ages will be renamed as the Super Swagger Ages
Everyone knows that Christianity flourished during the Dark Ages. Life was good back then for the Church: very few people were literate, the scientific method had yet to be discovered, and people typically lived exceptionally short and brutish lives. All of that chaos produced a population willing to accept any sort of religious flim-flam and was the Catholicism's Golden Age.
Peering into my crystal ball of absurdity I have gleaned Mr Sanrotum's to-do list.
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| Why can't the Religious Right simply beat themselves up and leave us alone? |
What says traditional Catholic morality than whipping oneself into a bloody religious furor? Just as Christ was supposedly whipped mercilessly, Catholics throughout history have practiced the mortification of the flesh to get closer to the all-loving Jesus. Though flagellation is neither common nor practiced in a severe fashion amongst Catholics in America, President Santorum will show us all how it's done by bringing in some missionaries from the Philippines. Here is a video from those islands during Holy Week where the adherents are very busy whipping themselves.
And yes, atheists will be included in Flagellation Fridays. We will take the place of those people on the ground.
 |
| I don't care what you call me. I'm still gonna burn Tokyo down. |
Godzilla will be renamed Jesusilla
President Santorum will know that America is a Godly country. And not just any God either. America is all about Yahweh. We're not one nation under Allah, and Ganesh, the Hindu god with an elephant's head, is not the the deity referenced on our money. In that vein movie goers must know that the God in Godzilla is not some made up fictional character. No. To clear up the matter Godzilla will me renamed to Jesusilla.
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| Be careful! Even your cat may rat you out! |
Using the Lord's name in vain is clearly wrong. President Santorum will command the FBI to troll the internet, monitor playgrounds, and eavesdrop in private conversations to make sure this forgotten commandment is not broken.
The good old days.
Everyone knows that Christianity flourished during the Dark Ages. Life was good back then for the Church: very few people were literate, the scientific method had yet to be discovered, and people typically lived exceptionally short and brutish lives. All of that chaos produced a population willing to accept any sort of religious flim-flam and was the Catholicism's Golden Age.
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