Chuck & Beans Comics

These are just two Chuck & Beans comics from my talented buddy, Brian Gordon. We've known each other since high school, so we've enjoyed the worse of times and the worser of times.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

Regardless, Chuck & Beans are in a new calendar out and here is my pitch: Buy the calendar.

Convinced?

Here is the link for the calendar.

LiP

Malta May Allow Divorce - Top Ten Things Malta Should Legalize

I'm sure that all of you have heard about the current vote on human rights in Malta, that small island nation nestled in the Mediterranean. What is the vote on? Gay marriage? Transgendered equality? No.

Divorce.

As in the right for those who are married to get a divorce. Unsurprisingly, this Catholic dominated country is the only state in Europe that does not allow divorce. Large posters of Gentle Jesus inform voters that a vote for divorce is a vote against Him.

That being said, here is my Top Ten List of Other Things Malta Should Legalize.



Wasn't he the lead singer
for Whitesnake?

 10. The theory of gravity. Though the divinely inspired theory of gravity discovered by Isaac Newton is the official gravity of Malta, there has been scandalous talk about incorporating Einstein's heretical thoughts on the subject (relativity theory is too Jewy). Be brave, Malta, and vote with your heart.

9. Monkeys. It seems that a 15th century translation of the "Good Book" declared that the Almighty had placed His eternal dislike on monkeys. Monkeys were expelled from the island by the Edict of Valleta (the capitol of Malta) in 1487. The current debate focuses on whether or not monkeys have a conscious choice to be monkeys or that they were simply born that way.

8. The color salmon. That pinkish-orange color is known to subvert the youth of any community it has been introduced to. Officials state that salmon may soon be allowed if it is distributed to those aged  21 years or older.



Jesus and scribes hate the printing press.

 7. The Gutenberg printing press. Created in the 1440's this machine has been responsible for spreading dangerous ideas and accelerating the Reformation. Catholic officials and the Guild of Scribes plan to fight the legalization of this cutting edge technology.

6. The word pedophile. That term is frowned upon by the Church. Bad word. Bad. Backers of the ballot question reassure the clergy that pedophile will only be used when referring to non-priests.

5. Justin Bieber Current law states that Bieberism is tantamount to blasphemy regardless of how many holy tattoos the teen idol has.

4. The burning of witches will stop.The papal bull from Pope Innocent VIII   Summis desiderantes affectibus, that allowed the torturing of witches, is still in force. The Maltese Chamber of Commerce has been lobbying hard to continue the burnings because they are an important source of income for the nation. And who doesn't like to see a good old fashioned witch burning?

3. Women will no longer be referred to as "those baby making whores" in official documents. 'nuff said.



Godless heavens.

 2. The Heliocentric theory of the solar system. Ever since the leaders of Malta read Joshua 10: 12-14

Then spake Joshua to the Lord in the day when the Lord delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel,

Sun,  stand thou still upon Gibeon;
And thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.
13 And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed,
Until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies.
Is not this written in the book of  Jasher?
So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven,
And shasted not to go down about a whole day.
14 And there was tno day like that before it or after it, that the Lord hearkened unto the voice of a man: for uthe Lord fought for Israel.

they knew the Earth centered universe was true. If the people legalized a Sun centered model then what's next? Public sodomy in the city square?

1. Marijuana. Legalization will strip organized crime/gangs of income, and provide another revenue source for a country crippled by decades of mismanagement. Wait, we're still talking about Malta, right?

*If this is your first time here, you have to fight...

this is Purgatory.

*Fight Club reference for Fight Club fans.

Political Quiz By Pew Research

I was reading the Unreligious Right's post Pew Research Center Misidentifies Me as a Libertarian and clicked on a link to the Political Typology Quiz. It took less than five minutes to make it out and here is what they classified me as - Post Modern.

What is the Post Modern political type?

Old Poll Results And New Obama Poll



 Before going over the old poll, let's talk about the new one.

Do you think Obama is an atheist?

Yes
No


That's it. Simple as that.

As most of you know the last poll question was: Thought Experiment: God exists and you have 24 hours to convert or you go to Hell. What do you do?

The Book Of Ruth In Nine Pictures

I finished the Book of Ruth a while ago and here is my review...

During the time of the judges God was angry (again) with the Jews.

Being God means never having to say you're sorry.

God decides a famine is in order to get them Jews back in line.

Gallup Poll: More Americans Are Pro Gay Marriage Than Against It

Most of the time when I read: THIS  IS IMPORTANT my first thought runs along the line of Great, this is just another ad for some kind of penis enlargement scam. Those schemes never work on me. I am quite happy in my mediocrity, thank you very much.

But why would that appear in my blog reader? And it was from my e-buddy over at The Lessons of Evolution. I figured out it was worth a second look.

THIS IS IMPORTANT: MILESTONE REACHED IN GAY RIGHTS

See, I should really do more than just glance at the first few words of a sentence. That method did get me through college, however.

Carl Sagan And The Dragon In The Garage

I was on Ardent Atheist this morning and saw this.

My Towel Day Story

In preparation for Towel Day 2011 here is the bit I wrote last year for Towel Day. Enjoy!

WARNING

 This post is high on the Geek-o-Meter

You have been warned.

Today is May 25th, Towel Day. Towel Day celebrates the life of Douglas Adams. Many of the Geek Legions came to know Mr. Adams through his insanely funny series Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. He lead a colorful career writing for Monty Python (he was in 2 episodes), Dr Who (I warned you of the high Geek-o-Meter rating), and another series of books, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency.  Douglas Adams was an atheist's atheist, so much so that Richard Dawkins dedicated The God Delusion (which I just reread) to him. I want to share with you, dear reader, my personal connection with The Hitchhiker's Guide. You see, I was reading the series when I was held up - twice.

Brookline, Massachusetts And Measles

Twelve Step Program For Believers Of The May 21 Rapture.

The 12 Steps For Those Who Are Addicted to God.

1. Admit that the concept of God has made your life unmanageable.

2. Believe that your own hard work and effort will restore you to sanity.

3. Make a decision to understand the universe in a rational and methodical manner.

4. Make a fearless reason based inventory of yourself.

5. Admit to yourself the exact nature of your wrongs (hating homosexuals, being gullible, etc.).

6. You must be completely ready to expunge all superstition.

7. Forgive yourself for being deluded by the idea of God - you are only human.

8. Make a list of all persons you have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. (While under the influence of the God meme you probably did some dickish stuff.)

9.  Make direct amends to such people wherever possible.

10. Continue to take personal inventory and when you are wrong promptly admit it.

11. Be mindful of your education as a skeptic, and learn about logical fallacies as well as the scientific method.

12. Having gone through the process of cleansing yourself of superstition, go and carry the message to those who are still under the God delusion.

*Based on the 12 steps of AA

David Silverman's Post On CNN's Belief Blog

The equation for the Rapture:
Faith>Reason

I like reading CNN's Belief Blog. Typically it's a bunch of theists defending their Sky Fairy in one way or the other. Yesterday David Silverman, president of American Atheists wrote a good piece about the current installment of the Rapture Delusion that is upon us. I only have one disagreement with him, which I'll point out. Here is the article.

Let nobody doubt that religion hurts people. Good, intelligent, caring people suffer every day and everywhere at the hands of religion, the happy lie.

Man Finds God's Foreskin.



New Fashion Trend!
Foreskin Chic!

 Whitman, MA - A local man has made it official: He has found God's foreskin. Andrew Hall, local curmudgeon, found the holy item early last Sunday morning. "I was at the pitch-n-put and sliced my ball into the woods," he told this reporter. "I went in to look for it and instead of finding my golf ball I found this 10 foot in diameter sheath of skin. I didn't know what it was at first, but I brought it home thinking some idiot on Craig's List may want to buy it for some kind of fetishy thing."  When asked how he knew it was God's foreskin Mr Hall replied, "Well, that night I left the thing out and my 13 year old half blind, with bad hips pit bull-rottie mix started gnawing on it. Next morning her vision had cleared, her hips had been cured, and that darned dog turned the water in her dish into wine - not that wine in the box either, it was the good sh*t: 1945 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild Jeroboam. That was one happy dog."

The Catholic Church's New Policy Sucks. Period.

This symbol needs to be painted on every Catholic Church.

If you're not outraged by the new instructions given to bishops by the Vatican, then you're not paying attention.

The Vatican wants to have it both ways. One one hand the Church says that bishops must make it a global priority to root out sexual abuse of children by priests while acting in a manner to ensure that child abuse by priests continues. The instructions issued today restate that bishops have the power to deal with accusations of sexual abuse done by priests:

...the letter reinforces bishops’ exclusive authority in dealing with abuse cases. It says independent lay review boards that have been created in some countries to oversee the church’s child protection policies and ensure compliance “cannot substitute” for bishops’ judgment and power.

Recently, such lay review committees in the U.S. and Ireland have reported that some bishops “failed miserably” in following their own guidelines and had thwarted the boards’ work by withholding information and by enacting legal hurdles that made ensuring compliance impossible.



“Our central concern is that bishops and religious leaders retain enormous discretionary powers to decide if an allegation is credible,” said Maeve Lewis, executive director of the Irish victims group One in Four.


“Clergymen do not have the skills or expertise to make sound decisions in this regard: that is a matter for law enforcement and child protection specialists,” Lewis said, calling the Vatican letter “dangerously flawed.”

In other words: screw you. The hell with even a small bit of democratic restraint that these lay boards apply on the bishops' imperial power. The bishops are in charge - you followers should simply go about following and shut up.

Osama Bin Laden, My Daughter And God

The Pledge of Allegiance
doesn't  need God.

It was a few days ago when Ali, my six year old daughter, looked at the article I was reading in The Economist. "Is that the President?" she asked.

"Yes."

"What's he doing?"

New Poll: Worst Case Scenario



Say it isn't so!

We are going to do a little thought experiment. For the purposes of the new poll you're going to need to accept a basic premise: God is real. Everyone on the planet knows God exists. And not just any version of God either, we'll go with Pat Robertson's version. I think we are all acquainted with that lunatic's version of the Almighty.

How do you know God is real?

For the sake of this thought experiment it doesn't matter. Accept the premise. No mass psychosis. No LSD in the water. God exists.

You have 24 hours to make a decision, after that if you're not a card carrying member of the 700 Club, it's off to Hell with you - forever.

What would you do? Here are the options.

Convert immediately.

Sin a lot and convert at 23 hours  55 minutes from now.

I have my principles. I'm going to Hell. Period.

I'm not answering. 

I'm already a Christian.

Results From Worst Idea In Christianity Poll

God loves you so much
that He created Hell.

Before going down the totals for the last poll I'm going to let you know how I voted (being a narcissist this seemed to be the obvious choice).

I find everlasting Hell to be the worst aspect of Christianity. The reason why I chose this as against the incredibly popular Faith>Reason has little to do with reason and everything to with more primitive areas of my brain. Even while the ascendancy of faith over reason is the root of religious idiocy, the idea of the Christian Hell stirs a type of disgusted primal response in me typically reserved for pedophiles and mass murderers. Hell is the embodiment of a sociopathic god's desire. As noted by Christopher Hitchens the Jewish version of JAWHEH is more or less content with making the lives of mortals miserable in this life while Gentle Jesus ups the ante infinitely. And as Hells go, Christianity's Hell is particularly noxious. As you may have noted on an earlier post Hinduism is well worth derision, but even their Hell looks comparatively better. The sinful Hindu must suffer away their foul deeds before being reincarnated into another form. They have a way out. Not so with the all loving God of the Christians. If you don't sign on the dotted line and become a member of J.C. Crew then expect an eternity of torture. Only those who have been given a faith based lobotomy would find that just.

Stephen Colbert On Religion

Agnostics are atheists without balls. - Stephen Colbert

Here he is talking about religion.

Hinduism Still Sucks



The original Elephant Man

 In case you haven't noticed lately, Hinduism still sucks. Though I dislike the Abrahamic faiths there is a certain disdain reserved for Hinduism. Why?

• It's like a comic book universe gone bad. All those gods and incarnations are just like the Marvel and DC fantasy worlds except people take that crap seriously. It's as if a load of folks thought Wolverine was real and had to worship his awesome powers of regeneration and adamantium skeleton - and the claws, of course.
•  Hinduism's caste system. Evil and insipid - those two traits are linked so many times in religion and Hinduism is no different. You know that novel idea that everyone basically has the same rights? The caste system is kinda like that except some people have more rights than others. Why? The gods say so.
• Misogyny on an industrial scale. Honor killings for women who don't follow the godly rules still occurs in India, and don't forget that female babies are much more likely to be victims of infanticide. (There is that wonderful Hindu quote: Raising a daughter is like watering your neighbors lawn.)
• Hinduism gets a free pass here in America. Radical Islam is by far a greater threat, and for that reason the tyrannical system from the subcontinent gets overlooked.

But why rant about Hinduism at this particular moment?

Could it be that they did something incredibly idiotic recently?

Drawing Mohammed Day Part Deux

OK, I know there is another Drawing Mohammed Day coming up, but I'm not participating. I did a series of pics that became instant classics(?) and unlike some comics (yes, I'm looking at you Larry David) I try not to recycle old material.

For those of who missed the pics, here they are.

Top Ten List Of What's Wrong With The New Thor Movie




I am happy that the movie didn't show this symbol for Thor:
the swatstika.

  The new Thor movie is blasphemy, pure and simple. As a fan of of the comic and as a screenwriter I found it worse than those horrible Fantastic Four movies.

10. At times I thought I was watching a Power Rangers episode. No, Asgardian garb in the American Suthwest just looks stoopid. How stupid? Stoopid stupid.

9. Kenneth Branagh knows better. Kenneth Branagh, Shakespearean actor extraordinaire, directed this movie. Don't worry Mr. Branagh, I will still remember you as Henry V delivering the Saint Cripsin's Day speech. I plan to risk a psychological breakdown and push Thor deeply into my subconscious.

Women And Mormonism

A few days ago I did a post about the Book of Judges and retold one of the more hypocritical and misogynistic parts. Trace, a regular reader/commenter asked this question: What does the book of Mormon have to say about the role of women in Christianity? Is it even more enlightened than the New Testament? I've done some reading about Mormonism and can point out some interesting points about the faith (God literally had intercourse with Mary to father Jesus, Native Americans are actually Jewish, etc.), but I would definitely not regard myself to be an expert in such matters. I contacted Mormon411 and asked if they could handle this question. They agreed and here is the answer.

The Book of Mormon has very little to say about women. Nephi barely mentions his mother's name and not even his wife or sisters'. The Book of Mormon, right from the start is very male dominated. The story is all about the men... Lehi, the great prophet; Nephi and Sam, the good brothers; the bad brothers. Heck, we even know more about Laban's servant, Zoram, than we do of the women in Nephi's family. While Lehi's party is in the wilderness, the birth of two more brothers is described, Jacob and Joseph. 2 Nephi 5:6 is the only reference that Nephi ever makes to his sisters. And he just says "my sisters". How many? Don't know. None of them are even named. Yet that very same verse names every one of Nephi's "good" brothers and the servant Zoram.


There are a few (6) women mentioned by name in the Book of Mormon and not one of them is given any detail. Their roles are minor. The story would have been the same without even naming them, perhaps with the exception of Mary, mother of Jesus.

Come Mothers Day, you can count on hearing the reference in Alma to the mothers of the 2,000 stripling soldiers who fought in battle for the lord and not one of them died because their mothers had taught them to fear god. Mormons love to use this example of the true role of women... to raise children to the lord. In other words, be a housewife.

In Alma 19:10, when the missionary Ammon addresses the queen of a certain Lamanite tribe, he calls her "woman", not her name, not 'your highness'. Even a queen does not get the honor of being addressed by her actual name. She is just "woman".

I think that most people would agree that the Book of Mormon perfectly reflects the attitude towards women in the church. If you are a woman, your role is mother, no other. Raise up lots of future faithful tithe payers.

Happy National Day of Reason

I had forgotten that today is the National Day of Reason and then I read the blog Uzza's Notes. Here is Representative Pete Stark's (D-California) speech made on the floor of the House.

Mr. Speaker, I rise today to recognize Thursday, May 5, 2011 as the 2011 National Day of Reason.

The National Day of Reason, observed by millions of people in this country and around the world since 2003, celebrates the application of reason and the positive impacts it has had on humanity. Reason and rational discourse have the power to improve living conditions around the world and cultivate intelligent, moral, and ethical interactions among people.

Reason and rational thinking have made our country great. The Constitution of the United States of America is based upon the philosophies developed during the historical Age of Reason and the idea that citizens engaging in rational discourse and decision-making can govern themselves. The Constitution also contains a strong separation of church and state, making it clear that government should continue to be built on reason.

Our nation faces many problems—ending two wars, creating jobs, educating our children, tackling our budget, and protecting our safety net. Although the gravity of these issues may drive many to prayer, the way we will solve them is through the application of reason.

The National Day of Reason is also about taking time to improve our communities—whether that means holding a blood drive or collecting items for the local food bank. It is also about ensuring that our government represents citizens of all beliefs and backgrounds.

I encourage everyone to join in observing this day and focusing upon the employment of reason, critical thinking, the scientific method, and free inquiry to the resolution of human problems and for the welfare of human kind. It is the duty and responsibility of every American to promote the development and application of reason.

Representative Stark is a graduate of MIT and majored in engineering. He earned his Masters in Business Admisitration at UC Berkely.

Pete Stark is also an atheist.

Here is Representative Stark's site.

Here is the National Day of Reason's site.

Evangelical Straw Rappers

The title says it all, n'uff said.

Yes, Virginia, God Hates Women

Hmmm...
God really hates women

God is a jealous god. God is a vengeful god. But did you know that God is the god of loopholes? It's true. I just finished reading through Judges and two things are clear

God takes vows seriously.
 As I've written earlier Jephthah, one of the heroes in the Book of Judges, made a vow to God that he would kill the first thing that came out of his house after a military victory. Of course, it was his daughter, and long story short, he killed her. The moral? Make a vow to God and you better make good on it, or else.

A Few Thoughts About Judgement Day, May 21

All of you are aware I'm sure of the upcoming Judgement/Rapture/Coo coo for Christ Day that's coming up on May 21. I have a few questions and comments I need to air.



Dammit! I worshipped
the wrong God.

  This has been the crappiest Tribulation ever!

Wait, you didn't know that we have been living through the Tribulation? Don't just take it from me, read the following from an infallible source:

On May 21st, 1988, God finished using the churches and congregations of the world. The Spirit of God left all churches and Satan, the man of sin, entered into the churches to rule at that point in time. The Bible teaches us that this awful period of judgment upon the churches would last for 23 years. A full 23 years (8400 days exactly) would be from May 21 st, 1988 until May 21st, 2011. This information was discovered in the Bible completely apart from the information regarding the 7000 years from the flood. -from the Crazy Christian site

Totally, 100% lame Tribulation. When I was coming up as a foot soldier for the Sky Fairy I imagined the Tribulation to be old school - rivers turning to blood, amphibians of some sort falling from the sky - that sort of thing. Instead we got the fall of the Soviet Union and the pax Clintona. On the other hand, we did have Bush the Younger as president.

 I give this Tribulation a C -.

An Atheist Prayer Regarding Osama bin Laden



No, we don't find this activity homoerotic at all, honest.



Dear Fictitious God, I give thanks today that you brought your long time servant, Osama bin Laden, "home".

He has been a problem for many of us, but frankly you are THE problem.

You see, Osama bin Laden may have been any seventh son among fifty brothers and sisters from a wealthy Saudi family if it wasn't for you.

Thank you, oh Fictitious God.

You had plans for Osama. You blessed the country of his birth with a barbaric faith, his father with a strict religious sense which he inculcated into his children, oh wise Lord.

Osama heard your Law and knew in his heart that mankind had to follow your way. And that he had to lead mankind with Godly love.

Thank you, oh Fictitious God. 

God, you inspired Osama to create in 1988 "an organized Islamic faction, its goal is to lift the word of God, to make His religion victorious." You gave the world al-Quaeda.

With your guiding hand, Osama and his associates were able to spread the word of God to many, many people. And not by Twitter either.

Thank you, oh Fictitious God.

Thank you Lord for America, a secular republic that doesn't have the word God in its constitution.

Thank you Lord for two oceans that keep many of your servants away from us.

And lastly, thank you for the beer I'm drinking as I celebrate the recent victory of the Enlightenment over your servant, Osama bin Laden.

Thank you, oh Fictitious God.

Dear Fictitious God, go away.

We don't need any more of your servants.

We don't need you.

pic from wikipedia

Osama bin Laden, Donald Trump, And Obama

A buddy of mine had these on his Fb page and I thought I'd share them with you.

Draft Day Shocker

This is from Newest Newsy News (my other blog).

Jets fans and Patriotic Christians alike were stunned at the NFL draft when the NY Jets selected Muslim Muhammad Wilkerson out of Temple with their first pick.


A Jet Fan who wanted to stay anonymous stated, “We thought we had them safely confined to taxi cab drivers and street vendors and now this”.