Thursday, November 17, 2011

My Anti-Christmas Jihad Part One: My Letter To Santa AND His Response!

Santa: The Fifth Column of
I've decided to start my jihad against Christmas early this year. And to initiate the first salvo of godlessness in this holiday season I have sent an email to an atheist's best friend: Santa Claus. I know, I know, many atheists dislike Santa because He represents crass American materialism. To quote Tyler Durden's analysis of the American psyche: We work jobs we hate to buy sh*t we don't need. Of course, Fight Club was released well before the Great Recession and now it turns out that only the lucky ones work jobs they hate just to get by. Or many atheist/skeptical parents don't support Santa because they don't want to lie to their kids about the reality about that jolly, morbidly obese fictional character. I want to say on the record that Santa is one of the greatest atheist allies, and I wrote him an email celebrating the North Pole/Godlessness Alliance.

Here it is.

Dear Santa,

I am writing you today to say thank you. This email is getting sent right now because I am well aware that you are entering your busy time of year, and that, thanks to Target, Walmart, etc., Santa Inc. gets busier and busier earlier and earlier. I want to make this clear: I am not writing you in thanks for any present you have given me or my children in the past or in the future. Rather, I just wanted to say Good job in secularising Christmas!

If it wasn't for your building up the Santa-industrial complex over the years Christmas would be just another lame holiday like Easter. Christians would then be mucking about talking about Jesus and making the rest of us miserable. Boo! Thanks to your organization Christians are relegated to obsessing like the rest of us on what Kardashian inspired product/brand to waste our money on.

Thanks again,


PS - Keep up with making those LED lights! I dream of a world where my kids won't have to go to war because the oil/gas/coal reserves were wasted on Christmas lights.

*You too can send Santa an email by clicking here! It is a form letter, but has a place for comments (that's where I placed my message). There is a section to ask Santa for certain presents. I asked for: respect of the Establishment Clause, an Enlightenment for Muslim countries (fingers crossed!), and Alyson Hannigan (well, it is a wish list).

OK, I just sent the email and got a reply from St. Nick! Here is His response.
Thank you for sending me your email all the way from Whitman! I sure do love the Internet because now I never feel lonely all the way up at the North Pole. An email from you, Andy, really makes my day!

Sugar plums and sleigh bells, Andy! Are you pulling my leg?!? You can't possibly be 43 years old already! Why it seems like only yesterday that I was leaving presents for a certain little boy and here you are now, practically one of Santa's elves! (*grin*)
Sorry the presents the last little while probably haven't been quite as exciting as they were when you were a little boy but, well, you know how these things go (*wink*). Anyway, Santa's glad to see some of the 'older kids' (not to mention anyone in particular!) still take the time to write. (And hopefully still leave out milk and cookies Christmas Eve too! *wink*) I also hear you've been a sorta good boy. (Of course, you won't mind if I do a little checking, will you? HO!! Ho!! ho!!).

I must tell you that Mrs. Claus is very impressed with your manners. How nice of you to say Thank you in your letter! You are most welcome.

Andy, I'm also very glad that you mentioned Jesus in your letter to me. After all, Jesus' birthday is a time for us all to be thankful that he was the best Christmas gift of all!

Let's see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. respect for the establishment clause; 2. an enlightenment for muslim countries and; 3. alyson hannigan. May all your Christmas wishes come true!HO!! Ho!! ho!! Those ARE good presents Andy! We've been so very busy this year that I hope you won't be too upset with me if you don't get everything you want for Christmas.

Mrs. Claus says I should tell you about my "Santa Tweets". You can watch as everyone at the North Pole texts and twitters to each other. It's twitter tweets about Christmas treats!

Yum! Smells like Mrs. Claus just pulled another batch of cookies out of the oven. HO!! Ho!! ho!! I'll bet she needs help eating them! Take care Andy and don't forget to come back and visit me here at on Christmas Eve!! And remember... only 38 more sleeps until Christmas!!

BFF (Best Friends Forever :),

Santa Claus
Jesus hopping Christ, I amuse myself endlessly...

in Purgatory.

1 comment:

  1. ...Santa... kinda sounds like a douche bag to me...


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