Thursday, October 6, 2011

Top Ten Reasons Why Easter Is Scarier Than Halloween.

Too cute to be trusted.
10. Halloween costumes are far less scary than your best Sunday church clothes. Do you know what my costume was last year? I had my regular street clothes on with one of those name tags that they give you at lame conferences. I wrote Cornelius on it, and proceeded to spout Fight Club references throughout the night. That was a lot more fun than being tortured in ill fitting clothes my parents made me wear for church.

9. All that crappy, plastic green grass that are in those Easter baskets. Yep, that's my goal in life: Use as many disposable plastic items made from Chinese slave labor and foreign petrochemicals.

8. No one takes Halloween seriously. No one, besides a handful of well meaning, if confused, pagans celebrate Halloween as a "real" holiday with spiritual meaning. On the other hand, many Christians are damned hardcore about Easter. Zealots are always scary.

7. Christians have declared war on Halloween. Hear me out on this one. Halloween is such a pleasant, inclusive holiday where people are simply engaged in giving themselves diabetes, that Christians at some level recognize how terrifying Easter is. Their solution? MAKE HALLOWEEN CRAPPY! Build as many Hell Houses as possible to traumatize the public.

6. Bunnies are evil.  If not, what's with all the carrots? Why do they need such good eyesight anyway? (Approx 37 secs in the video below.)

5. Easter has scarier creatures.  Halloween has werewolves, vampires, and the Frankenstein monster. Easter has a "real" zombie Jesus, televangelists, and the Pope.

4. The Halloween-industrial complex is far more benign than the Christo-industrial complex. Afterall, the former is only after your time and energy one night of the year, while the latter wants you to be their slave.
This guy doesn't want you
to hurt anyone.

3. Explaining Easter to my kids is much more traumatic than explaining Halloween. Will, when he was 6, was looking at a book explaining Easter from the Christian viewpoint. He looked at a few of the more graphic pictures and handed the book to me. "This is horrible," he said.

2. No one ever called for a crusade in order to spread the word of the Great Pumpkin. 'Nuff said.

1. Easter is all about the torture and execution. Look, I know Easter is officially about the mythical resurrection of Jesus, but how many children are in the pews trembling with the horrors of "Good" Friday?


  1. Number 8 is my favorite. That alone proves the point.

    1. I have a soft spot for #6. I'm a big Buffy fan.

  2. The Buffy reference is OUTSTANDING!!! I always think of Anya and how terrified she would be of the Cadbury® Bunny.


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