Monday, September 12, 2011

Four Reasons Why YAHWEH Is A Super Villain.

1. YAHWEH does classic supervillain monologues. We all know the classic super villain trait: they love to talk smack. Lex Luthor could have Superman bound with chains of kryptonite, but instead of administering the fatal blow Lex just talks about what a badass Lex is. Fellow Purgatorians, I give you YAHWEH talking a boatload of smack to one of His innocent victims .

Search your feelings,
I am your heavenly father.
Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?
- Job 38: 1-7

Oh, I'll spare you the rest of the I'm sooo awesome speech.

Killing fags is
what I do.
2. Supervillains surround themselves with lackeys, lickspittles and henchmen.. Take the Joker from The Dark Knight or Reverend Stryker from the classic X-Men graphic novel God Loves, Man Kills and you'll notice that the baddies always have someone to pick up the laundry or kill those who have the unfortunate pleasure of being on the enemies list. It is the same with God. Say He needs a city, for example Sodom, destroyed. He sends in  two of his angels (villainous underlings) to roast the place.

The two men said to Lot, “Do you have anyone else here—sons-in-law, sons or daughters, or anyone else in the city who belongs to you? Get them out of here, 13 because we are going to destroy this place. The outcry to the LORD against its people is so great that he has sent us to destroy it.” - Genesis 19: 12-13
God needz to get His.
3. In typical kingpin/gangster fashion, God wants his share of the loot. After destroying Jericho it turns out that some of God's share of the spoils is missing. Someone had stolen from the Boss' cut of the action.

Whoever is caught with the devoted things [God's share of the plunder] shall be destroyed by fire, along with all that belongs to him. He has violated the covenant of the LORD and has done an outrageous thing in Israel!’” Joshua 7:15
What were the items stolen?  A Babylonian robe, some silver and gold. Happily, the thief was found and killed along with his entire family as well as livestock.

4. Genocide. The obvious choice, but worth stating. Many super villains wish to destroy humanity, but YAHWEH has actually accomplished this lofty goal... and in a very sanitizing way, too. Of course, He had to keep some people around (Noah and family) just so that they could tell the tale (also in classic super villain fashion).

1 comment:

  1. Also in adding to the above canon...

    5. God tries to persuade princes to do his duty, and, to impress him:

    Tell me who are You
    in such a fierce form?
    My salutations to You, O best of gods, be merciful!
    I wish to understand You, the primal Being,
    because I do not know Your mission.

    The Supreme Lord said:
    I am death, the mighty destroyer of the world, out to destroy.
    Even without your participation all the warriors standing arrayed in the opposing armies
    shall cease to exist.

    Therefore, get up and attain glory.
    Conquer your enemies and enjoy a prosperous kingdom.
    All these (warriors) have already been destroyed by Me.

    You are only an instrument.

    Jesus H Christ, God in Heaven. What a swell guy.


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