Friday, April 8, 2011

Top Ten Shows On The New Glenn Beck Channel

I'm sure you have all heard that Glenn Beck is leaving Fox News. His sponsors are few and his ratings suck. The marketplace of ideas is working its magic, and hopefully Mr Beck will soon be placed in the dustbin of history with hate mongers like Father Coughlin

In case you have forgotten how bad Glenn Beck is here is a short clip where he calls Charles Darwin the father of modern day racism.

When Fox announced his leaving they stated that Mr Beck was working on other projects. That got me thinking...

What other projects could he do? And then it struck me.

If Oprah could launch her own personal cable channel dedicated to Her Greatness then Glenn Beck could give birth to his own basic cable abomination, too. But what sort of programming would be on that station. What kind of misinfo-tainment would be on?

Here's what I think the Top Ten Shows on Beck TV would be.

10. Liberal - Progressives and how They Caused the Inquisition This miniseries will retell how Progressives tortured the decent, hardworking Republicans of Europe through the Middle Ages and into the 19th century.

9. Obama is... A game show that every family in Tea Party nation won't want to miss! Every week three contestants have 8 minutes each to show their own homegrown conspiracy theory, along with bogus documentation and hearsay evidence about President Obama. The audience votes at the end of the show on which contestant has done the best job unearthing the "real" Obama.

8. Glenn Beck Crying That's it. That's the show. Glenn Beck shows how much he loves God and America by crying for a half an hour.

7. 9/11 Families Should Shut-Up Based on Glenn's classic quote: When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." –"The Glenn Beck Program," Sept. 9, 2005  This travel show has Glenn crisscrossing the country, knocking on doors and telling 9/11 families to shut-up. Afterwards, Glenn will sample some of the local cuisine.

6. Glenn Beck's Blackboard Logic 101 This is a fairly simple philosophy course where Glenn takes the viewer into the metaphysical world of blackboard-ology. Right wing nut jobs will call the show and Glenn will write down their tangential ramblings, and BAM! it's true.

5. Finally, a guy who says what people who aren't thinking are thinking. Neither Glenn Beck nor his audience have been able to figure out what this quote from John Stewart means. This show will plumb the inner workings of that riddle and offer various theories on its true meaning (hint - it means that Obama is a Nazi).

4. Yes, God Wants You to Wear Magical Underwear and Persecute Homosexuals You guessed it, this is Glenn Beck's religious programming on Sunday mornings.

3. The End Times are Here! Did you know that the end times are here? Did you? Did you know that Jesus will judge you by how much Glenn Beck merchandise you own? This show will educate you on all the latest Beck related merchandise, AND give you the opportunity to purchase it.

2. Glenn Beck Shouts at a Watermelon Those watermelons are destroying America - someone has to do something about it.

1. Glenn Beck and the Legion of Evil Glenn Beck teams up with Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Michele Bachmann to fight against secularism, science, and the US Constitution. Every new episode is a winner!
Well, there they are.
I had a lot of fun writing this post...
in Purgatory.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Google+ Badge

Pageviews last month