I read and keep myself informed in order to make cheap jokes.
Yep, no high principle involved. Not really looking to better myself (Self improvement is masturbation. - Tyler Durden) I'm not looking to discover a vaccine for polio or a way to mix delicious peanut butter and chocolate together in a compact package of awesomeness.
But I digress.
During my latest excursion into the depths of the internet I happened across Mormon411. Mormon is a blog written by an atheist who once was a member of the LDS (Chruch of Latter Day Saints - Mormons). Having read the book One Nation Under Gods (a history of the LDS) a few months ago. I felt ready to go further down the rabbit hole. I was not disappointed. After reading through a few of the posts I checked out the link mormonnomore.com and there before me was a step by step procedure on how to resign from the LDS. If you're a Mormon there is a proper procedure to getting your name off the church's rolls. Though I am not and never have been Mormon it was necessary to write them a letter. Here is that letter.
Member Records, LDS Church
50 E North Temple Rm 1372
SLC UT 84150-5310
RE: My soul.
I am writing you today about a matter of great concern. Before writing this letter I have given this topic much thought. It is my nature not to take great matters lightly and few are so great as the topic of this letter. I am writing to you about baptism of the dead.
As disquieting as it seems I will die someday. Hopefully that time is far in the future. However, there are no certainties in the world and I am crossing off items of my to do list before that eventuality. Item #47 clearly states,
Write a letter to the LDS and let them know never, ever, ever do a baptism by proxy for me.
I am aware that baptising the dead has a long history in the LDS. It was none other than Joseph Smith who received the revelation. How else can a soul enter the Celestial Kingdom if they had not been exposed to the universal Mormon truth while alive? I am aware how efficient this baptismal cottage industry is. After all, the LDS has posthumously baptised President Obama's mother, Adolf Hitler, and Albert Einstein. I am concerned that I will be placed on your list of people to baptise after they're dead.
As I understand it the official policy of the church is not to perform these baptisms unless the baptizee is an ancestor of a living saint. I have a question for you. Do you trust all of your descendants? All those unborn people will possess varying degrees of judgement. For example, if I am going to believe an assertion I demand verifiable evidence that supports said assertion. How else would I be able to make intelligent choices? But what if my great grandson makes decisions based solely on what some authority figure tells him, or some vague feeling? Obviously, the current LDS method does not safeguard my right not to be baptised in that particular situation.
To conclude, allow me to reiterate to never, ever, ever baptise my non-existent soul once I am dead. This is my wish and I would hope you will respect that wish once I have passed.
If I get a reply, I will put it up on the blog.
Oh, who's the guy with the horn? It's supposed to be the angel Moroni. This was the angel who showed Joseph Smith where the magical gold plates were that had the Book of Mormon written on them. Of course, Smith gave Moroni the plates once he was done translating them. Very convenient.