Thursday, January 20, 2011

Ultimate Fighting: Thor vs Jesus Christ

Who would win a fight between Thor and Jesus Christ? Here's how I see it breaking down.

First, some ground rules.

Thor can use his enchanted hammer Mjolnir, his belt of strength, and the magical gantlets that allow him to wield Mjolnir. You might call Thor a wussy for needing the gauntlets, but even a god's hands can get burnt from tossing lightning around. Jesus is not allowed to resurrect himself during the match.  In case JC goes down he must stay down for at least three days. In this situation the fight goes to Thor although a rematch may be in the cards. Yes, Joe Rogan will be commentating with Big John McCarthy the referee. This is obviously a title fight and there will be five five minute rounds.

Who is the favored to win?

Thor is heavily favored to win. Why?

Thor kills giants.

Do the math.

How I see the fight occurring.

Thor is not the brainiest of gods. This is how the big guy has fought in the past.

Take out hammer.

A simple, yet elegant plan of destruction.

Jesus has a more complex problem, namely how to avoid getting mauled by an angry 280lbs of all-muscle Norse god.

Difficult, but not impossible. I've heard from a source in Jesus' training camp that JC plans to follow a tried and true stratagem.


Cheat to win.

Although resurrection is clearly illegal instantaneous healing is not. If Jesus can heal himself faster than Thor can inflict damage then Jesus stands a chance. However, this is not cheating, per se. The cheating comes during the later rounds.

After Thor has tired himself from all of the useless smashing Jesus will pull the switcheroo. Thor will no longer be fighting the Lamb of God (mmm... lamb), but now be toe to toe will YAHWEH - Jesus' insanely violent dad. Seeing the Jesus and God the Father are of the same substance (yeah, I know it doesn't make any sense, that's why it's a "mystery") it isn't strictly against the rules and regulations. Of course, it does break the spirit of the Law, but since YAHWEH isn't bound by the Law he can do whatever he wants.

It becomes a real fight after that! Will Thor be able to knockout or submit the Sky Fairy of the Abrahamic faiths? Will YAHWEH take out Thor out with a rear naked choke?

That is something I'd pay to see...

in Purgatory.


  1. If Yahweh wins(which I doubt, but hey, anything's possible), can we get a match between him and Odin(the insane God who sacrificed his eye and created Earth out of corpse of the huge fuckin' giant Ymir)? And don't forget, Odin can tear down castles with his bear hands, attack with animal familiars (Geri and Freki) and can see everything.

  2. If Odin is so powerful, why can't he heal his own eye?

    Stem cell therapy should be able to grow new eyes in the next couple decades. Asgard's technology is supposed to be eons ahead of ours - yet Odin still has a missing eye.

    Am I missing something?

  3. YAWHEH is Odin himself as both of them was referred as The Father. Thor and Jesus are just sons


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